Reaching out and grabbing life

In addition to this wonderful blog, I also have a private one. I opened it about 8 months ago because I started feeling that I no longer had any place to share my most personal, intimate thoughts anymore. Everyone in every aspect of my life pretty much has access to this current blog, so if I needed to get something off of my chest about a co-worker, or a member of my church, I needed a place to go where I could share with the 10 or 11 people that I trust most on this earth, and have zero worries.



I posted about this last week on my private blog. I was laid-off on Tuesday, April 28, 2009. I've just now arrived at the point where I'm comfortable talking about it in a public forum. There are family members that I've talked to several times since the layoff that I still haven't told yet. I'm not hiding it, there's just a bunch of emotions, and possibly stages, that one goes through when something like this happens. I believe that the order of the stages mostly depends on our individual personalities. Here are the ones I encountered, in their respective order:

1) Shock I was like a zombie that Tuesday. Once I got home with my hubby, I knew that everything was going to be okay, but I just didn't know what to do or think. I wasn't hungry (which is a CLEAR sign that I was going through something abnormal) and I didn't want to talk to anyone. My phone began ringing off of the hook by 2:30pm that day. Apparently that's when the meetings ended where the news was broken. People that I didn't really talk to that much were calling my house; I just asked my hubby to take messages. One of my best friends who was also a co-worker came and picked me up that evening and took me to a meeting at Turner. I was a part of the Turner Women Today circle mentoring group, and our mentor had already paid for us to attend a big event being held there. So I went, and acted as if nothing had happened. There were people around me crying for me, and I was comforting them!! Yep, definitely shock.

2) Bitterness Over the next few days, Twitter and Facebook were abuzz with the news of the layoff. I started making the connection that the people who were talking about it still had jobs. (And probably weren't pregnant and the only source of income for their households). I still didn't want to talk about it in a public forum, so I refrained from responding or commenting about the matter at all. I was angry with Suchita Vladlamani on Good Day Atlanta because she has a job and I don't. I went back up to CNN a few times to get some things and felt betrayed by the people that still had jobs. From the SVP's to the crew at Chick Fil A, I was just bitter toward them. I even felt slight envy toward my husband who now has 3 friggin' degrees and has the people from his new job that he starts in August already calling him and talking about how excited they are for him to start later this summer. Woop De Doo for everyone else except for Tami...that's how I was feeling later that week.



3) Embarrassment By that weekend, I started feeling as though it was my fault I was laid-off. If the whole group had been let go, that would be one thing, but we were cherry picked. I felt expendable. My GREATEST fear in life is rejection, and here it was staring me in the face. So cold and uncaring. Goodbye, Tami, we just don't need you. I have a lot of self confidence, and there are people in my life who I feel look up to me for different reasons and who depend on me. I didn't even want to face them anymore. I just wanted to hide somewhere and pretend I never knew any of these people. After all, at least they still have jobs.

4) Reality By the following week, I was starting to get some of my swagger back. Some. I still felt pretty yucky about how things went down, and came to a lot of unfortunate realizations. The gravity of what happened really hit me, and I knew that it was time to take from this situation what I was supposed to:

I had spent the entire 3 weeks before my layoff complaining about how miserable and tired I was. I was SO exhausted and had been feeling so sore. I was only at weeks 22 - 25 of my pregnancy, and I was barely able to get around comfortably. It was taking me almost 15 minutes to get from my car to my desk...that normally only takes about 5 or 6 minutes. I was barely able to stay awake at my desk anymore. Mondays were the worst!!! I always woke up completely wiped out on Mondays as if I had been binge drinking and someone had been kicking me in the stomach the entire weekend. Miserable. I really loved working for the lady who was my direct manager (and who I have been staying in touch with very well) but that's about as far as it went. Everyone else around me was making me miserable, save for a few people around me that I am especially close to.

I was also spending a lot of time in other departments trying to get on with other groups. Amazingly, this is still in the works now, and is actually much easier now that I don't have to balance a current workload with the new stuff I was being trained on. If this pans out the way it appears to be, what an amazing story this will be to tell in the near future!



90% of my closest friends have told me that they feel that this was a MAJOR blessing in disguise. The people closest to me knew how much I was struggling and how I needed a break, even more so than I was willing to admit. Being able to sit on my screen-porch at 9am on a Monday morning and eat my breakfast is quite nice, I must admit. And then sit in my recliner and eat my lunch while watching my favorite soap opera. And then go take a nap before picking up the kids hours later. I'm REALLY loving this, to be honest. I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts, because I still miss work. I hope I have some good things to report over the next few months. I'm still very excited about what the future holds, and have been reminded to hold on tight to God's unchanging hand. Even though circumstances in the world change, He does not, and always has our best interest at the heart of who He is. I'm so honored to be His, and look forward to what's to come!!

BTW, one of the best parts about this is that I no longer have to pretend that I like/enjoy/tolerate CNN News anymore. Thank God!!! :-) :-)