Beginning to heal

Today marks the first day that I have gotten through without crying since Wednesday. My hubby and I were simply not prepared to deal with this type of pain. As I was telling a friend earlier, I have recently lost beloved family members and even a best friend. Nothing has come close to this type of grief and emptiness. I had always figured that when the dogs' times came, we would be able to handle it better now that we have kids. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Wednesday, we just spent the entire day bawling. The hardest part on Wednesday was pulling into the driveway and seeing our dog Dutch stick his nose under the garage door. He and Sheba always do that when we drive up. The realization that Sheba would never do that again hit me like a megaton. I usually eat a lot when I'm depressed. Well, I realized for the first time on Wednesday that I've actually never been really depressed before until this. I scarfed down a turkey sandwich and some chips to help soothe my grief. An hour later, it all came back up and my stomach was in so much pain. My head throbbed severely. Chris and I got in my truck an hour later and went to pick up the kids. I was in so much pain (physical and emotional) that I barely made it out to the car. I just sat in the passenger seat and collapsed onto his arm while he drove. Once we got the kids, we drove around town trying to think of places to eat. We were both trying to avoid the inevitable. Coming back home and dealing with the fact that Sheba wouldn't be there. We eventually came back home, fed the kids, put them to bed, and crawled into bed ourselves. We both just cried and cried and tried to comfort one another.

Thursday morning was horrific. My first time in 10 years waking up without Sheba. I felt like I was suffocating. I felt desperate and sick. My hubby woke up with swollen eyes, and looked so defeated. We just sat there with our arms wrapped around one another. We knew that we had to go to work. We both got the kids ready and got out of the house. Thursday was slightly easier because I had my wonderful co-workers surrounding me with support. I only mentioned Sheba's situation to a few of them...I wasn't quite ready to deal with too many long, sympathetic faces yet. I left work and went to visit my grandmother in the hospital. She didn't look very good. I just sat there feeling so helpless. I left the hospital, went to pick up the kids, and arrived home. When my hubby got there, we fed the kids and put them to bed. We had another night of grieving over Sheba. We still couldn't believe that she was gone, and I swear we almost killed ourselves emotionally trying to figure out how we didn't do something sooner to help her. How could we not have noticed her lethargy sooner? Why weren't we paying more attention to her or spending more time with her? She deserved so much better!!

Friday was the first day that I woke up without feeling like I didn't want to wake up. I still felt like it was hard to breathe, but it was the first day that I felt like I may be able to start accepting what happened. The understanding that there was really nothing that we could have done to help Sheba based on all of the factors (her age, lack of showing signs anything was wrong, etc...) gave us the slightest comfort. I was off work, and spent the better part of the day in the hair salon. I left there and went to pick up the kids. I took the kids home, fed them, and put them to bed. My hubby came home from studying a few hours later, and revealed that he had gone to the Humane Society to look at puppies. He admitted to breaking down into tears while wrestling with the decision of whether or not to get another pet. The entire time we've had our dog Dutch, Dutch has always had Sheba as a playmate/companion. He's appeared a little lonely when we've left the house the last few days; it's as if he knows something is not right. We are dreading getting another puppy; we don't want to feel as though in some way we are trying to replace Sheba. But in our hearts, we know that we need another pet. As my hubby put it, we are a two-dog family, and we really need a big burst of love right now to help mend our broken hearts. I jumped on-board with the idea, so we'll see where this leads us.

Saturday (today) - The first day I didn't wake up crying. I actually got up, and walked over to the window and looked out at the beautiful day. I didn't feel angry, depressed, or anything negative. I felt like the Lord was telling me to hold on, and joy would come sooner than I think. This feeling gave me a lot of hope and sustained me today. My hubby must have felt the same thing, because around 9am he decided that we should all spend the ENTIRE day together. No studying, no sleeping the day away, no running errands...just family bonding. So at 10am we all jumped in the truck and went to Cracker Barrel. The kids were especially good today which helped. The hubby and I actually laughed and smiled today for the first time in weeks. (We were already having a series of unfortunate events before the situation with Sheba occurred) We rode through town with the kids watching "The Incredibles" while hubby and I shared funny memories of old times that mostly included Sheba. We drove past our first apt as a married couple, which included Sheba. We drove past parks and other places that the three of us (Hubby, Sheba and myself) had frequented over the years. We actually had a pretty good day today filled with joy. Our day included my spending a couple of hours visiting my grandmother at the hospital. She looked better today than she has since she's been there. I believe she's getting better finally. Praise God!

I think that we're out of the woods now. I will take it one day at a time.