Times have truly changed

This has been a crazy week.

At the beginning of the week we got the news that American celebrity Ed McMahon had passed away. It wasn't a big shock, as much as it was just sad to know that someone I've watched on television since childhood was now gone. I didn't really linger on it, but I definitely felt very sad when I read the headline and also feel for his family.

Then on Thursday morning while watching "The View", Barbara Walters passed along the information that Farrah Fawcett was in her final hours of life. She was at the end of her long battle with cancer and had only hours of life left. By the time I made it to the hair salon around 1pm, I was told that she had passed on. Even though we all had months to prepare for this, it was still hard to hear that she was gone. She wasn't a favorite celebrity of mine or anything, but again, she was someone I had seen on television a lot growing up, and her name was synonymous with beauty in most circles.

Then hours later, the shocker of them all. The news that NO ONE was ready to hear or accept. You know how there are events we've all lived through as a nation or world in which we will always remember where we were, what we were doing, and how we got the news about it? Well when CNN started posting news coverage that King of Pop Michael Jackson had passed away, I was too outdone for words. Nothing about it makes sense. He was only 50 years old! He's been rehearsing for a summer tour in the UK due to begin a month from now! We've just had two other beloved US celebrities pass away that many were in the middle of mourning...the greatest international celebrity of our generation couldn't possibly be gone mere hours later!!

I immediately called my sister. CNN was still not actually confirming the story at the time, and Chris was in the shower. I needed to talk with someone about this!! My sister told me that she had been watching the news for over an hour, and NO, it was not a joke. I immediately felt the tears in my eyes. I wasn't able to talk for a few seconds, and my sister knowingly said "I know, I've been crying too".

You see, my sister and I LOVED Michael Jackson as kids. She was 5 and I was 8 when Jackson's "Billie Jean" begin heavy on-air rotation. It was the first video I had seen on television with a black music artist, as far as I can remember. The only music video television available at the time was MTV, and they only played "Rock" music, which basically meant only white music. Most of the videos they played were actually pop songs by white artists. Their arms were twisted, threats were made by record companies to pull their videos if MTV didn't play Michael Jackson's video being played on their network, and MTV finally relented. The result was a hunger for more Michael Jackson!!

We all know that "Beat It" was next, only to be followed by the highest grossing song of ALL time..."Thriller". To this day it is the most played video ever on any music video network. It spent a whopping 37 weeks at #1 on the charts! Lots of irony there, considering MTV didn't even want to air any of MJ's music at all. Ha!

I should also mention that my mother, who is rarely touched by ANYTHING at all, actually shed tears as well. For her it was two-fold. As a teenager, she used to watch The Jackson 5 on American Bandstand with Dick Clark and had all of their albums. She was about as obsessed with Jackson 5 as my sister and I were with MJ himself a decade later. She also remembers how mine and my sisters eyes would light up whenever we'd hear the intro to "Billie Jean" coming on. We'd tear down the stairs to the family room where the big tv was and start screaming and dancing. My mom didn't believe in posters on the walls, but she made an exception for Michael Jackson. His "Thriller" album was the first album we ever had. Actually, it was only album we had for many years to come...until he released "Bad" a year or two later. We had the MJ pins and other such paraphernalia that represented our mini obsession with the pop star. She was saddened to see that a big mark of the era of our childhood was now gone.

Well, I think 3 - 4 days is enough time for me to mourn MJ. I spent between 48 and 72 hours watching all of his videos, listening to all of his songs, and my brain is darn near numb now. Time to move on.

Tragedy at Six Flags Over Georgia

This story sounds like something that could only happen in a horror movie. A teen visiting Six Flags Over Georgia with his family yesterday as part of their church group was killed after being struck by the Batman roller coaster. According to witnesses, as reported on CNN.com, he was climbing a fence hoping to retrieve a lost item (other witnesses state that he was trying to touch the ride). No matter what his motivation, while he was atop the fence the coaster came barreling down the tracks and pulled him from the fence. At some point while he was still attached to the ride, he became wedged between the coaster and some type of stationary pole. He was instantly decapitated.

This is such a horrific tragedy and my heart breaks at the thought of what his parents, siblings, friends, and church community must be going through. Please remember them in your prayers.

CNN.com Video

Stephen Curtis Chapman's 5-year old daughter killed

This is such a heart-breaking story. CNN.com is reporting that Christian music star Steven Curtis Chapman's 5-year old daughter was hit and killed by a car yesterday. The SUV was being driven by her older brother.

I just don't see how it could get more horrible than this. Bad things still happen to good people; wherever we are right now, we need to lift our brother in Christ and his family up.

[Story: CNN.com]

On Enjoying Your Life

Lately, I've become more aware of others around me. Over the past couple of years, I have been making a serious effort to move "beyond myself". I like this new outlook on life, and my perspective has changed a great deal since I began paying more attention to others and learning more in the process. I take the time to make eye-contact with strangers I pass by on the street. I take the time to offer a smile to familiar faces I see at work on a regular basis. I tell the people on the elevator, the pretty lady who empties my trash can at work, and the nice grocery cashiers and baggers to "Have a nice day!", and I actually mean it.

The hubby, kids and I stopped by Publix on the way home. We picked up our frozen pizza and went to check out. As we started unloading the buggy onto the conveyor belt, my eyes were drawn to a big poster in front of one of the aisles not in service at the time. The poster read "RIP Dwanda". I felt my stomach drop a little. We frequent that Publix quite regularly, and I was pretty sure that Dwanda was a Publix employee, and probably someone that I saw all of the time. After we paid for our items and exited out of Publix, I passed by another poster that had funeral service information and a picture of Dwanda. I immediately recognized her face. My eyes stung a little and I just sighed deeply to myself. She was only 40 years old. My hubby and kids were already all the way in the parking lot ready to get in the truck by the time I composed myself enough to run out and join them.

I don't know if I'm feeling especially tender these days, or if I'm just more in tune with people that I see on a regular basis now. You know how when someone young passes away, you can find their name all over the internet, and a guest book to sign for them and everything? I can't find anything about her online. Ever since we got home a few hours ago, I have been saying to myself, "Lord, I really hope that she enjoyed her life." I hope that she smiled a lot, and that there are people thinking of her right now and missing her presence. I hope that her time here on Earth was well spent, and that she got to do most of what she wanted to do while she was here. I will definitely miss her face, and I am so sad to know that I will never get the chance to talk to her again. May you rest in peace, beautiful Dwanda.

One Year Ago today...

It was Friday, April 20, 2007. I remember sitting in my office thinking about the fact that it was Kaylie's Goddard's 1st birthday. So I called my co-worker Stephen, Kaylie's father, on his office phone and asked him what he and his family were doing for her birthday. He mentioned that they were going up to the hospital later that day to spend time with her as they did everyday. After I hung up with him, I kept mulling over in my mind whether or not I should go up to the hospital to take her a gift. I really wanted to so badly, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I would be intruding on the family's time with her somehow. The following day, I considered dropping by the hospital with my husband and kids to pay Kaylie a visit, but I decided against it at the last minute. I wasn't sure what it was, but something in my heart told me to just let her have that time with her family. So I decided to wait until the following week and go during lunch hour to see her.

I would find out later that day that Kaylie passed away that afternoon. I was a complete emotional wreck. I actually became physically ill over the next couple of weeks. I felt like Kaylie was one of my children, in some small way. On top of that, my heart just ached and ached for Stephen and his wife. It seemed like too much for anyone to have to bear. I longed for God to tell me if there was something that I would be able to do for the family. It was such a horrible thing to experience for everyone that was touched by Kaylie's life and that loves that family.

I can't believe that it has been a year. I'll be praying for the Goddard's even more this week because I'm sure it will be tough for them. Please keep them in your prayers as well.

Previous post: Being There

"Clause" and Effect

I bumped this post up just to reflect for a moment. Life certainly comes at you fast whether you're ready or not. This post was originally written on November 11 at 9:58 am. So many things were different. I was still grieving over the loss of my dog Sheba. I was worried sick about my grandmother in the hospital, and worried just as much over my mother who I could tell was suffering a great deal emotionally.

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Original Date of Post: 11/11/07 - 9:58 AM

Life has certainly been interesting over the past month or so. This morning, I woke up feeling under the weather. My daughter and I are both sneezing all over the place. My hubby went on to church without us, as it seems to have been the case over the past few weeks.

My grandmother is on day 17 in the hospital. At this point, her breathing seems to be under control, but she is completely miserable. They inserted a feeding tube inside of her because she wasn't eating anything. On top of the effects of the emphysema, she is also suffering due to nicotine withdrawal (anxiety, lack of appetite, etc...) She spends a lot of time moaning, which is difficult for everyone around her who loves her to see. Still no word at all on how much longer she'll be hospitalized, or what needs to happen so that she will be ready to return home. My mom has been living in the ICC waiting room at Emory Hospital this whole time. She only goes home once per week to wash clothes and grab a few more things to bring back to the hospital. I think that this is due to the fact that my grandmother gets extremely anxious any second that my mom is not in the room with her. Such a difficult situation.

In some ways I'm still dealing with the fact that Sheba is gone. It sneaks up on me from time to time. I always saved the bones from chicken wings for her, since she loved crunching them. So now, if I'm eating wings, for example, it's like remembering all over again that she's not coming back when I realize don't need to save the bones. You know what I mean? I long to feel her fur on the side of my face while she snuggles with me. I really, really miss her. Still not sure about a new puppy yet...hard to think about in too much detail thus far.

My hubby and I were talking the other day about how short this life is. I really treasure spending time with him. It got me thinking about the people, places and things that I love so much. Getting some free time with my husband; spending a weekend afternoon with my sister; going to Disney World with the family; sitting out in the CNN atrium eating lunch and gabbing with my co-workers; going to the movies/having lunch with my friend Chrissy; going to Golden Corral with the hubby and kids on Saturday afternoon; going to Camp Greenville with the students at Mount Paran; having long phone conversations with my mom;

Very Sad End to 2007

My grandmother gave up the fight last night. She passed away shortly after 11:30pm from respiratory failure. I am in complete shock. It doesn't compute in my mind, and I know that this is typically the first stage of grief, and I'm trying to steady myself for the remaining ones. My grandmother has been a huge part of my life since my birth, and I cannot believe that she's gone.

The last two months were rough for her. She went from Emory Hospital, to a nursing home, back to another Emory geriatric hospital between October 25 and yesterday. The one thing that truly worries me is how my mom will cope with this as time moves forward. Right now we're in the hectic phase of planning the funeral service. An announcement will be written in tomorrow's AJC announcing her death. There is so much to say about my grandmother. I am who I am because of her. I will post more on her a little later.

RIP, my beautiful, precious Ma. You remain a huge part of this family and I thank you for all of your love and sacrifices you've made for us.

Georgia mom kills her children in store bathroom

This story is so brutal and horrific. Now that I'm actually a mom, it's a lot more difficult to be critical of other parents. I try to keep my initial thoughts to myself when I read news stories about neglectful moms. I think to myself, I could do a much better job myself, so who am I to judge.

Then I read a horrific story like this, and I have to stifle the ill-will I feel in my heart. Even though I empathize with any over-worked, tired mom, I can't imagine what can bring you to end your children's life this way. It's hard to even think about too deeply.

I will also never forget "Baby Grace" whose identity was finally revealed this week. Her name is Riley Ann Sawyer, and hearing the details of this sweet-faced child's death sicken me to my stomach. God, please bless and protect our children today, even from their own parents if need be.

RIP, Latasha Norman (1987 - 2007)

Her life and well-being was considered very valuable to very many people. Just as valuable, in fact, as the life of Natalee Holloway, Stacy Peterson, and a host of other missing young Caucasian women who have received constant national news coverage. Her contributions to this world in her very short life won't be forgotten and have touched many people.

Story here.

By the way, I haven't forgotten about my intentions to create a thoughtful, intensive post about this. It's coming. :-)

Very rough time for Kanye

I can't imagine the grief of suddenly losing your best friend, most ardent supporter, and the one person who stuck by you through thick and thin all rolled into one. Losing a parent is a grief that I'm sure one can only understand once they experience it. Over the years, rapper Kanye West has always been extremely vocal about his love for his mom and all that he has gone through to provide a great life for him. His mother, Dr. Donda West, was chairman of the English dept at Chicago State University. She quit her job in early 2000 to help Kanye manage his career. As my hubby pointed out yesterday, that was quite the profitable career decision she made!

Donda West passed away on Saturday, apparently due to complications from cosmetic surgery. This is a very sad story, and I know that Kanye can't be doing well at all right now. I've always been one to mock/tease him for many things that he has said and done in the recent past. But for now, my heart truly aches for him. There's a doctor named Dr. Andre Aboolian that was approached by Ms. West to receive cosmetic surgery months ago, and he wouldn't perform the surgery due to his concern over a preexisting medical condition she had. The doctor who ultimately performed the tummy tuck and breast reduction is Dr. Jan Adams, and is under a powerful microscope now (no pun intended?)

Read the rest of the story here.

Beginning to heal

Today marks the first day that I have gotten through without crying since Wednesday. My hubby and I were simply not prepared to deal with this type of pain. As I was telling a friend earlier, I have recently lost beloved family members and even a best friend. Nothing has come close to this type of grief and emptiness. I had always figured that when the dogs' times came, we would be able to handle it better now that we have kids. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Wednesday, we just spent the entire day bawling. The hardest part on Wednesday was pulling into the driveway and seeing our dog Dutch stick his nose under the garage door. He and Sheba always do that when we drive up. The realization that Sheba would never do that again hit me like a megaton. I usually eat a lot when I'm depressed. Well, I realized for the first time on Wednesday that I've actually never been really depressed before until this. I scarfed down a turkey sandwich and some chips to help soothe my grief. An hour later, it all came back up and my stomach was in so much pain. My head throbbed severely. Chris and I got in my truck an hour later and went to pick up the kids. I was in so much pain (physical and emotional) that I barely made it out to the car. I just sat in the passenger seat and collapsed onto his arm while he drove. Once we got the kids, we drove around town trying to think of places to eat. We were both trying to avoid the inevitable. Coming back home and dealing with the fact that Sheba wouldn't be there. We eventually came back home, fed the kids, put them to bed, and crawled into bed ourselves. We both just cried and cried and tried to comfort one another.

Thursday morning was horrific. My first time in 10 years waking up without Sheba. I felt like I was suffocating. I felt desperate and sick. My hubby woke up with swollen eyes, and looked so defeated. We just sat there with our arms wrapped around one another. We knew that we had to go to work. We both got the kids ready and got out of the house. Thursday was slightly easier because I had my wonderful co-workers surrounding me with support. I only mentioned Sheba's situation to a few of them...I wasn't quite ready to deal with too many long, sympathetic faces yet. I left work and went to visit my grandmother in the hospital. She didn't look very good. I just sat there feeling so helpless. I left the hospital, went to pick up the kids, and arrived home. When my hubby got there, we fed the kids and put them to bed. We had another night of grieving over Sheba. We still couldn't believe that she was gone, and I swear we almost killed ourselves emotionally trying to figure out how we didn't do something sooner to help her. How could we not have noticed her lethargy sooner? Why weren't we paying more attention to her or spending more time with her? She deserved so much better!!

Friday was the first day that I woke up without feeling like I didn't want to wake up. I still felt like it was hard to breathe, but it was the first day that I felt like I may be able to start accepting what happened. The understanding that there was really nothing that we could have done to help Sheba based on all of the factors (her age, lack of showing signs anything was wrong, etc...) gave us the slightest comfort. I was off work, and spent the better part of the day in the hair salon. I left there and went to pick up the kids. I took the kids home, fed them, and put them to bed. My hubby came home from studying a few hours later, and revealed that he had gone to the Humane Society to look at puppies. He admitted to breaking down into tears while wrestling with the decision of whether or not to get another pet. The entire time we've had our dog Dutch, Dutch has always had Sheba as a playmate/companion. He's appeared a little lonely when we've left the house the last few days; it's as if he knows something is not right. We are dreading getting another puppy; we don't want to feel as though in some way we are trying to replace Sheba. But in our hearts, we know that we need another pet. As my hubby put it, we are a two-dog family, and we really need a big burst of love right now to help mend our broken hearts. I jumped on-board with the idea, so we'll see where this leads us.

Saturday (today) - The first day I didn't wake up crying. I actually got up, and walked over to the window and looked out at the beautiful day. I didn't feel angry, depressed, or anything negative. I felt like the Lord was telling me to hold on, and joy would come sooner than I think. This feeling gave me a lot of hope and sustained me today. My hubby must have felt the same thing, because around 9am he decided that we should all spend the ENTIRE day together. No studying, no sleeping the day away, no running errands...just family bonding. So at 10am we all jumped in the truck and went to Cracker Barrel. The kids were especially good today which helped. The hubby and I actually laughed and smiled today for the first time in weeks. (We were already having a series of unfortunate events before the situation with Sheba occurred) We rode through town with the kids watching "The Incredibles" while hubby and I shared funny memories of old times that mostly included Sheba. We drove past our first apt as a married couple, which included Sheba. We drove past parks and other places that the three of us (Hubby, Sheba and myself) had frequented over the years. We actually had a pretty good day today filled with joy. Our day included my spending a couple of hours visiting my grandmother at the hospital. She looked better today than she has since she's been there. I believe she's getting better finally. Praise God!

I think that we're out of the woods now. I will take it one day at a time.

Please pray for the Johnson family

This is such an awful tragedy. I found this story on Malkin's site a few moments ago. Heart wrenching. This family needs our prayers now.

Story here

Autopsy doesn't go as planned

Check out this this Reuters story from Venezuela. You don't go until God says you go! :-)

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSN149975820070917

I Haven't Forgotten You

UPDATE - 8/15/07

Last night while I was typing up the post below, I received a call on my cellphone, but I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer. I got a call from that same number this afternoon at 3pm, and when I answered it was my next door neighbor. She was calling to tell me that one of our neighbors (her next door neighbor) had passed away last night. He was an older gentleman and his health had been failing, but I wasn't prepared to hear this. He's always been such a great supportive neighbor. My heart aches for his wife. Now she will be living all alone in that house. This is really shocking.

Now I understand what that feeling was on my heart last night when I was going on and on about death last night. Amazing. :-(

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I found a website a few moments ago where a few people post comments on songs, movies, etc,...that they enjoy. When I went to a page containing Annie Lenox's "Into the West" a few kids commented that Garrett Middle School dedicated this particular song to one of their students earlier this year during a performance by the school choir. That student was Chrisondra Kimble, who was a member of that same school choir before she died a few months prior.

I'm feeling extremely heartbroken right now. I can't explain it at this time, but I can't get the deaths of Chrisondra Kimble and Del Mattox off of my mind tonight. They were brutally murdered back in April of this year. I thought that I had already grieved over them, but I honestly believe that my heart went completely numb after dealing with the devastating blow of the death of Nyia Page back in February. I grieved for that baby for a long time. After hearing the news of Chrisondra and Del followed days later by the death of my co-worker's daughter Kaylie, my heart just couldn't take anymore.

I don't question the Lord. He is supreme and knows all. I just wish I could take away the pain that their family must be going through every single day and night. We get so busy with our lives and sometimes find ourselves complaining about one thing or another. But I just wanted to take a moment and declare that I have not nor will I ever forget about Chrisondra Kimble and Del Mattox.

I'm dedicating this to people in my life that I loved who are no longer physically present as of recently, but remain in my heart:

Veronica Berry (stylist)
Bryant Jackson (best friend from High School)
Gwendolyn Armstrong (my beloved aunt)
HF Shepherd (childhood pastor)
Catherine Givan (my husband's beloved aunt)





Into The West

Lay down,
your sweet and weary head.
Night is falling.
You have come to journey’s end.

Sleep now,and dream
of the ones who came before.
They are calling,
from across a distant shore.

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see.
All of your fears will pass away.
Safe in my arms,
you’re only sleeping.

What can you see,
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come,
to carry you home.

And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
All souls pass.

Hope fades,
Into the world of night.
Through shadows falling,
Out of memory and time.

Don’t say,
We have come now to the end.
White shores are calling.
You and I will meet again.
And you’ll be here in my arms,
Just sleeping.

What can you see,
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come,
to carry you home.

And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
Grey ships pass
Into the West.

When Oscar comes a' knocking...

Things ain't a' rocking. Check out this story about Oscar the Cat. He can predict death. He will only curl up in the bed with terminally-ill patients within a few hours of their deaths. Apparently, he's so accurate that the hospital staff has taken to calling family members of patients who Oscar is seen cuddling with. It's amazing!

Of course it wouldn't be as tender a story if it turns out that Oscar is killing the patients. I kid, I kid.

Story: [CNN.com]

A Parent's Worst Nightmare

The loss of a child is the greatest tragedy known to mankind. So the grief of a parent who loses a child due to the parent's own negligence has got to be immeasurable. A few times per year we hear stories of parents whose children have died because they were left alone in cars during the summer. I can't even think about it for longer than a moment without becoming dizzy.

The most recent case was reported this morning out of Concord, California. It sounds similar to the typical story of a father having his routine changed one morning, and taking on the task of dropping the child(ren) off at daycare. He got the baby strapped in to the car seat and as soon as he got behind the wheel and began driving, he probably immediately became consumed with all of the things that awaited him at work. He drives straight to work, completely forgetting that his son is still in the backseat waiting to be taken to daycare. This type of story never ceases to bring tears to my eyes and leave my heart hurting for a long period of time. God, please bless this family.

Story: [KCRA.com]

Unexpected News

Today started off intense and never let up.

I've been going on and on about the relaunch of cnn.com, and the new layout and functionality is finally in place! The new site is up so please, go check it out. I've been fretting a little over it, but the CNN Relaunch turned out to be the least of my worries.

I found out last night that the son of a former co-worker of mine who was on the road to recovery from leukemia, has had a relapse. After 3 years of vast improvement, a test happens to come back showing signs that things are not good for him right now. My heart broke when I found out about this. Things would only get worse as the day went on.

My hubby was home all day with the kids while I was at work. He called me earlier this evening to tell me that he found out that his aunt that lives in Mobile passed away recently. As in a month ago. It's a tough blow to find out that someone you love and cherish has passed away. But to find out a month later? Everyone else has already had a chance to grieve together and help one another cope with the loss. Not only that, but this is a painful reminder of how we have lost touch with the family in Alabama. We used to be so close to them. Now, we don't talk at all, clearly.

Being busy and sacrificing money and time with family for a couple of years with the reward of future financial gain will be a good thing. But some of those sacrifices just don't seem worth it.

I really need some rest. I'm completely wiped out from today. Tomorrow is an even earlier day at work for me, if you can believe that. Doing it all over again, so I'm off to bed now. Hopefully my heart won't ache as much in the morning. Doubtful.