One Year Ago today...

It was Friday, April 20, 2007. I remember sitting in my office thinking about the fact that it was Kaylie's Goddard's 1st birthday. So I called my co-worker Stephen, Kaylie's father, on his office phone and asked him what he and his family were doing for her birthday. He mentioned that they were going up to the hospital later that day to spend time with her as they did everyday. After I hung up with him, I kept mulling over in my mind whether or not I should go up to the hospital to take her a gift. I really wanted to so badly, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I would be intruding on the family's time with her somehow. The following day, I considered dropping by the hospital with my husband and kids to pay Kaylie a visit, but I decided against it at the last minute. I wasn't sure what it was, but something in my heart told me to just let her have that time with her family. So I decided to wait until the following week and go during lunch hour to see her.

I would find out later that day that Kaylie passed away that afternoon. I was a complete emotional wreck. I actually became physically ill over the next couple of weeks. I felt like Kaylie was one of my children, in some small way. On top of that, my heart just ached and ached for Stephen and his wife. It seemed like too much for anyone to have to bear. I longed for God to tell me if there was something that I would be able to do for the family. It was such a horrible thing to experience for everyone that was touched by Kaylie's life and that loves that family.

I can't believe that it has been a year. I'll be praying for the Goddard's even more this week because I'm sure it will be tough for them. Please keep them in your prayers as well.

Previous post: Being There

I Haven't Forgotten You

UPDATE - 8/15/07

Last night while I was typing up the post below, I received a call on my cellphone, but I didn't recognize the number so I didn't answer. I got a call from that same number this afternoon at 3pm, and when I answered it was my next door neighbor. She was calling to tell me that one of our neighbors (her next door neighbor) had passed away last night. He was an older gentleman and his health had been failing, but I wasn't prepared to hear this. He's always been such a great supportive neighbor. My heart aches for his wife. Now she will be living all alone in that house. This is really shocking.

Now I understand what that feeling was on my heart last night when I was going on and on about death last night. Amazing. :-(

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I found a website a few moments ago where a few people post comments on songs, movies, etc,...that they enjoy. When I went to a page containing Annie Lenox's "Into the West" a few kids commented that Garrett Middle School dedicated this particular song to one of their students earlier this year during a performance by the school choir. That student was Chrisondra Kimble, who was a member of that same school choir before she died a few months prior.

I'm feeling extremely heartbroken right now. I can't explain it at this time, but I can't get the deaths of Chrisondra Kimble and Del Mattox off of my mind tonight. They were brutally murdered back in April of this year. I thought that I had already grieved over them, but I honestly believe that my heart went completely numb after dealing with the devastating blow of the death of Nyia Page back in February. I grieved for that baby for a long time. After hearing the news of Chrisondra and Del followed days later by the death of my co-worker's daughter Kaylie, my heart just couldn't take anymore.

I don't question the Lord. He is supreme and knows all. I just wish I could take away the pain that their family must be going through every single day and night. We get so busy with our lives and sometimes find ourselves complaining about one thing or another. But I just wanted to take a moment and declare that I have not nor will I ever forget about Chrisondra Kimble and Del Mattox.

I'm dedicating this to people in my life that I loved who are no longer physically present as of recently, but remain in my heart:

Veronica Berry (stylist)
Bryant Jackson (best friend from High School)
Gwendolyn Armstrong (my beloved aunt)
HF Shepherd (childhood pastor)
Catherine Givan (my husband's beloved aunt)





Into The West

Lay down,
your sweet and weary head.
Night is falling.
You have come to journey’s end.

Sleep now,and dream
of the ones who came before.
They are calling,
from across a distant shore.

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see.
All of your fears will pass away.
Safe in my arms,
you’re only sleeping.

What can you see,
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come,
to carry you home.

And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
All souls pass.

Hope fades,
Into the world of night.
Through shadows falling,
Out of memory and time.

Don’t say,
We have come now to the end.
White shores are calling.
You and I will meet again.
And you’ll be here in my arms,
Just sleeping.

What can you see,
on the horizon?
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea,
a pale moon rises.
The ships have come,
to carry you home.

And all will turn,
to silver glass.
A light on the water.
Grey ships pass
Into the West.

Being there

Please forgive the rambling below...I have had a lot on my mind today.

For the past six months, I have had a tremendous burden on my heart for my co-worker, Stephen, and his family due to the illness of his infant daughter Kaylie. Anyone who knows about their situation has felt severe heartache for them, but as I've mentioned before, when you actually become a parent, it literally feels like EVERY child belongs to you. The same raw emotion that you feel for your own child, is felt for other children as well.

As I've also mentioned before, Stephen kept a daily blog with up-to-date pictures of Kaylie, and insight into how she was doing. As one commenter on Stephen's blog put it best, Stephen shared Kaylie with us. She feels like a part of my family, a part of my life, and a big part of my heart. I prayed for her consistently, and had faith that the Lord's will would be done in her life. My specific prayers for Kaylie included complete joy, happiness, all the things that a pure, innocent, precious baby should have. I prayed for her healing, that she could remove the Bipap masks and tubes, and run and play. Kaylie's 1st birthday was Friday, and I wanted to visit her in the hospital and take her a present. Realistically, it is virtually impossible for me to drive long distances across metro-Atlanta during the week. Olan and Cassie are 37 miles apart during the day, and I take them to, and pick them up from their respective locations every morning and evening. But I felt the urge to see Kaylie this weekend. I have never met her in person, and the immediate need to finally see her, hold her little hands, and pray over her was rousing inside my spirit. When I found out yesterday that Kaylie passed away Saturday afternoon it tore my heart apart.

I keep playing over and over in my mind all the opportunities I could have had to visit Kaylie. Yes, it would have been pretty tough, and I would have had to inconvenience a few people, but it could have been done. But every time I seriously considered dropping by the hospital to see Kaylie, I kept wondering if I would be intruding on the family's time with her. My co-worker and I aren't exactly friends, but now I keep wondering if that really matters in the grand scheme of things. He and I share the bond of parenthood, and that's probably enough.

I don't know. I keep going back and forth with this. Maybe this is a part of the process that one goes through when they unexpectedly lose someone that meant a lot to them. I feel such an overwhelming sadness and grief for the family. I will be attending the visitation and viewing tomorrow evening and I am extremely nervous about it. I have never been to a funeral for a child, let alone an infant. Even as a Christian adult who understands that death is as much a part of life as living, this particular situation really got to me in ways that nothing ever has before. I hope that by being there, the show of support will mean something to the family.

Please keep the Goddard family in your prayers. They will really need them as time goes forward.

P.S. Please remember Chris's Aunt Joan in your prayers also. She has surgery tomorrow, and I am a little concerned about her health.

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Update

Immediately after typing this post and rereading it, I realized something. My specific prayers for Kaylie were answered. Just not in the way that I wanted. The prayers I sent to the Lord for Kaylie to be free from the hospital, the tubes and O2 masks, and finally able to run and play...those things have been bestowed upon her now. It's hard not to be selfish and wish she were still here; I'm sure the Lord understands this fallible, human nature. But I can praise God with a sincere heart for answering all of our prayers for this precious baby. She is finally home in paradise, and those of us who followed her daily life for the past 6 months are better off for having known her.

Kaylie

I found out within the last hour that my co-worker Stephen's daughter, Kaylie, passed away yesterday afternoon. I feel complete anguish for Stephen and his family right now. For the last 6 months, I have prayed for Kaylie, and hoped that she would pull through her condition and have a healthy life here on earth. I can honestly say that I was completely unprepared to hear this news today.

My heart grieves with this family. Even though I have been crying since I found out, I am still only feeling a tiny blip compared to what the family is experiencing. I hope that they soon find comfort from the fact that Kaylie will never have to go through another rough day ever again. She is no longer confined to a bed, or a mask to receive oxygen. Yesterday was the beginning of a life of sublime happiness free from sickness for Kaylie.

Kaylie Goddard