If you sit by the river long enough...

I don't believe anything is happenstance. I know that the word itself has its place, and I even use it from time to time. But, I just don't believe that anything happens randomly without a purpose, no matter how great or small. I believe that God loves us enough to give us the free will to do as we please, but also longs for a relationship with us in return for His unconditional love for us. This is based on everything I've ever read in the Bible, and based on what He has spoken to my heart over the years during and after meditation and prayer.

I have watched two different prime time shows this year that both used a famous quote from an old Japanese proverb attributed to Sun Tzu: "If you sit by the river long enough, you will see the body of your enemy float by". The first time I heard it was on "The Mentalist", a show starring Simon Baker. Everyone who knows me realizes that I'm obsessed with this show...okay, AND Simon Baker. :-) The second time I heard this quote was on last weeks episode of "Flash Forward". (In unrelated news, the star character of the show is played by Joseph Fiennes; if you don't know how to pronounce his name, just take a good look at him, and that's how it's pronounced - FINE. My gosh.) Sometimes I think that if I wasn't so into my husband (in EVERY way) he would leave me due to these silly, albeit excessive celebrity obsessions. :-)

After hearing the quote for the second time in less than two weeks, I spent a few moments lingering on how exactly this quote may be relevant in my own life. You could just note the context that was used in both shows to get a good idea of the quote itself actually means: the people that are out to get you will eventually meet their own demise, so to speak, and you will usually hear a secondhand account of it how it all went down.

Last night, I spent about an hour on the phone with a really good friend of mine that I used to work with. She still works for the company that I was laid off from, and she gives me updates about things from time to time. I am increasingly disappointed in some of the things that were confirmed for me. One of life's hard lessons is that there are some people that you simply CANNOT trust; my gut usually makes me aware of this, but one of my inherent "flaws" is that I always try to find the good in people, even those that don't deserve it. I sometimes go as far as befriending some of them. But most of the time, untrustworthy people will ALWAYS be just that. That's just the way it is, and can only begin to enjoy our life more when we accept this and adjust ourselves accordingly.

I'm not sitting on the dock with a pair of binoculars waiting on bodies to float by, but I get the feeling that in due time, I might see a couple that I wasn't expecting. Too bad...

Transparency

I am a walking collection of images. I believe that most adults are capable of adapting to our current situation as needed. In my case, however, I have a bunch of different personalities on storage to be used as the situation calls for. When I'm at work, I am professional, fun-loving, always happy Tami. When I'm at home, I am lazy, curl up on the couch with my laptop, don't want much excitement Tami. When I'm at church, I am ray of sunshine, life is perfect, everyone's friend Tami.



What these "on-storage" personalities have done over time is shroud the real Tami from most of the world. With the exception of my husband and a couple of VERY close friends, my true, complete identity remains a mystery to most. There is very little that I find more freeing than just being COMPLETELY transparent. Thus the purpose of this post. I'm not revealing everything at once...just two or three things that I tend to keep hidden. Here goes:

1) I am hyper image-conscious.



Most of what I do and say is motivated by how I think I am coming across to others or how I think they will receive me. I have in my mind what I think are the ideal internal and external human qualities (physical beauty, smiles, physical fitness, great posture, super positive outlook on life, etc...) and I work day and night to present this in my everyday walk. This ties in to why I am such a people-pleaser in some ways, and need validation from others. I feel that I need to be sure that the image others have of me is the one I'm trying to present.

2) I am very territorial when it comes to my friends. Here's a quick example. I have a really good friend that I met at work. She and I became extremely close and spent a lot of time together during my first year at the company. Over time, she also began getting to know a couple of other co-workers that I became friendly with. Even though neither of us are as close to the other co-workers as we are to one another, she eventually began feeling obligated to invite them to come along EVERYWHERE that she and I went. And they also began inviting themselves along EVERY TIME she and I were going to hangout for lunch. I became somewhat resentful of the other two co-workers; I felt that they were imposing on the friendship I had; they never interacted with her unless I was around.



Since I was the only link between them and my friend, I expected them to get that and not invite themselves to lunch with us as frequently as they did. Here's the thing: I've been on the other side before too. At my last company, if I became close to "co-worker A" who I sat right next to, "co-worker B" who I wasn't as close to would would come over to our area and invite "co-worker A" to lunch. I was NEVER invited by "co-worker A" OR "co-worker B" to go along with them. EVER. So in my mind, it served as a lesson that one should make their own friends, instead of assuming that you are friends with someone "by-proxy".

I am just now realizing is that maybe the behavior at the last company was actually shady, and the behavior at my current company is more common/normal. And this is most likely the case looking back at the sum total of behavior I was exposed to there. Anyhoo, that's all for now. I'll share more next Sunday.