If you sit by the river long enough...

I don't believe anything is happenstance. I know that the word itself has its place, and I even use it from time to time. But, I just don't believe that anything happens randomly without a purpose, no matter how great or small. I believe that God loves us enough to give us the free will to do as we please, but also longs for a relationship with us in return for His unconditional love for us. This is based on everything I've ever read in the Bible, and based on what He has spoken to my heart over the years during and after meditation and prayer.

I have watched two different prime time shows this year that both used a famous quote from an old Japanese proverb attributed to Sun Tzu: "If you sit by the river long enough, you will see the body of your enemy float by". The first time I heard it was on "The Mentalist", a show starring Simon Baker. Everyone who knows me realizes that I'm obsessed with this show...okay, AND Simon Baker. :-) The second time I heard this quote was on last weeks episode of "Flash Forward". (In unrelated news, the star character of the show is played by Joseph Fiennes; if you don't know how to pronounce his name, just take a good look at him, and that's how it's pronounced - FINE. My gosh.) Sometimes I think that if I wasn't so into my husband (in EVERY way) he would leave me due to these silly, albeit excessive celebrity obsessions. :-)

After hearing the quote for the second time in less than two weeks, I spent a few moments lingering on how exactly this quote may be relevant in my own life. You could just note the context that was used in both shows to get a good idea of the quote itself actually means: the people that are out to get you will eventually meet their own demise, so to speak, and you will usually hear a secondhand account of it how it all went down.

Last night, I spent about an hour on the phone with a really good friend of mine that I used to work with. She still works for the company that I was laid off from, and she gives me updates about things from time to time. I am increasingly disappointed in some of the things that were confirmed for me. One of life's hard lessons is that there are some people that you simply CANNOT trust; my gut usually makes me aware of this, but one of my inherent "flaws" is that I always try to find the good in people, even those that don't deserve it. I sometimes go as far as befriending some of them. But most of the time, untrustworthy people will ALWAYS be just that. That's just the way it is, and can only begin to enjoy our life more when we accept this and adjust ourselves accordingly.

I'm not sitting on the dock with a pair of binoculars waiting on bodies to float by, but I get the feeling that in due time, I might see a couple that I wasn't expecting. Too bad...

An Exercise in Brevity

I'm challenging myself to give an update from the past several months, but without spending the next hour typing about it. I have about 15 minutes, before I pass out due to exhaustion so here goes:

1) My newborn is now a 12-week old. He will be officially 3 months old on Friday. That time FLEW by! He's holding his head up now, and sleeping through the night, as of last night. Life is good! He spits his milk back up a lot more than his brother and sister did. I'm keeping an eye on that because it makes me a little nervous; but in my heart of hearts I believe that everything is completely fine.

2) My 5 year old and 4 year old are such a joy, even at these hyperactive ages. I love them so much. They are both so brilliant in different ways. I see a little bit of young Tami in the both of them. Good and bad qualities. Math comes easy to one of them, the other one is completely vain, one of them doesn't care what anyone thinks of him, while the other can be knocked down with a feather if you don't give her praise. It's simply amazing. And they're such sickeningly beautiful kids inside and out. God TRULY blessed me in a way that I can't ever measure.

3) Haven't been able to find work, so I'm enjoying being a stay-at-home mom. I go on the kids field trips with them, I make dinner (and dessert) every night, I'm involved at their school more and have established a small network of associates in the other moms, I go on play dates with other stay at home moms, and most importantly, my 3 children get ALL of me, not just the ragged, worn out parts leftover from a grueling day at a thankless job. Many would argue that being a mom is the most thankless job ever, and I wouldn't debate them. But I don't think you can beat greeting your kids at 3pm, being home by 3:15pm and having an entire time with those innocent angels FREE from stress. I wouldn't trade this for anything.

4) Hope to have great news to share this upcoming Friday. If the news isn't good, I won't say anything...if it's great, you'll know about it; the whole world will, if you leave it to me! :-)

5) Been working out INTENSELY the last two weeks. I found a wonderful trainer online, and he set up my daily meals and my daily workout plan. Haven't stuck to the diet as well as I should have, though. But I've lost a good 8 -10 lbs and have lost another pants size (fitting back in my 8's; my goal is to get back into my winter pants which are a size 4 -how could I ever have been that skinny????) I'm going to be a fine mofo by Christmas or bust!!



6) Still have an unhealthy obsession for Simon Baker. Pretty pointless to deny it; even my hubby is hip to it. He's not ecstatic about it, but he's known me for the better part of 14 years now...he knows that I'm ALWAYS going to have some type of fascination/obsession over some type of celebrity. Fame intrigues me; always has for some reason.

7) Cultivating, pruning and watering my friendship garden. There were a lot of weeds, that were causing me a lot of grief, and making it impossible for me to enjoy the beauty of the real friendships that were waiting to blossom. I have some really good friends that really love me, and it's high time I start expressing how much I love them as well. I'm getting better at this.

8) 35 in about two weeks. Having a yummy brunch at a wonderful location in Dunwoody the week after my birthday; waiting a week after my actual birthday so that my sis will be back in town and can be there. I can't wait to spend the morning/afternoon having brunch with people I love!!

9) Hubby is enjoying his new job. In-house counsel for an insurance company in metro Atlanta. He brings home the bacon and I fry it up in a pan...and always make him feel like he's the MAN!! Okay, you get the gist...:-)

Not bad for someone who runs their mouth like an out of control faucet. I can update more often if I can keep it simple like this. Until next time!!

The moldable clay that is my life

I'm at one of those points in my life right now where anything that I do over the next few days, weeks, months, will shape my life in one of a million ways. Things can turn out anyway that I choose! How often do we get a chance to say that after age 25, and after being married with 3 kids? Well I'm FINALLY realizing that I need to look at the state of my life as a blessed opportunity to go on an adventure and even discover more about myself and this world than I even knew existed! Trust me, it's a lot easier to saunter down the hallway of despair that leads to the never ending road of depression, that takes you...well, I don't even want to know where that takes you. I'd rather sip on the lemonade made from all of these lemons I have received this year. All I had to do was add a little sugary perspective to make it taste sweet! More on that in a minute.

First, I want to update on the job search. Being laid off while pregnant REALLY SUCKS more than you even realize at first. I mean everyone has their opinions about "what you should do". I think most people mean well, but you can tell who HAS and who HASN'T been in this situation before. I've gotten "Just pull from your savings for a while!" and "you can just get unemployment so you should be fine." -or- "Just get that COBRA insurance." But my FAVORITE has been "Well, you will save a lot of daycare expense by being home with your baby anyway." Really? Thanks for summing up and solving my problems for me in 3.4 seconds, I appreciate it a great deal.

(Side note: did you know that you're not eligible to collect unemployment while you're unable to work? So if you're in the hospital for 4 or 5 days including full labor and delivery, and then home with your baby for another few weeks and unable to interview for jobs, you're NOT eligible to collect unemployment...AGAIN, being laid off while pregnant SUCKS)

I have learned that we all are SUCH experts on a subject BEFORE we've actually had to go through it ourselves. We think we can be better managers than our boss. We think we can raise better children than those around us. We think we always have the answer to someone's problem, even when they haven't asked our opinion at all. Maybe if we focused more on being encouraging and reminding people that they have a friend, we'd actually not just be using hot air and actually make a difference to someone who could really use the reminder that everything is going to be okay.



But to sum up the job situation, I've been doing the typical dance with recruiters over the past few months. They tell me that I'm a perfect fit for a job. I get excited and wait on them to call me back and give me the date and time of my interview with the company. I never hear back from them. And bow; curtain drops. The steps of the dance are ALWAYS the same...there's just different attire worn and the stage settings change. This has got to be in the top 5 most frustrating things for a person to go through, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

There's this one job that stood out in the pack, though. I got called about it from a recruiter named Kevin back while I was still pregnant . I had about 64 recruiters call me about this one job, because the details in my resume showed that I was THE perfect candidate for this job!! This was the first time that I actually believed that this was MY job. Even though the location is not particularly ideal based on where I live, the job is located in my FAVORITE part of metro Atlanta to work! The pay is AWESOME. And the job function is almost an exact match to what I have been doing over the past 4 years. The one recruiter that I allowed to submit me for the job told me to let him know once I had the baby, and we'd see if the position was still available. I called him 3 DAYS after having my son only to find out that the position was filled. THAT one hurt, plain and simple. I've had recruiters calling me since then and it's just been really much more of the same.



So on Friday I got a call from Kevin again. He said that a position had opened up at the SAME job that I wanted so badly! I literally began jumping around the room. There was one catch...I would have to take an online Java test. I knew there had to be a catch. You see, for people like me, all we need to do is get into the interview. It's a done deal at that point. When you start picking my brain and quizzing me and stuff, well,...let's just say that this is NOT my forte. So I took the test and scored 48% higher than everyone else that took it. Not good. Even though the results earned me a Java certification from Brainbench and said "Congratulations you passed!". I don't think the hiring manager is looking for passing scores. I think he wants to feel confident that the person they're hiring has enough info about Java to work all by themselves on projects. A score such as this doesn't reflect that. I can program in Java with my eyes closed. Can I take a test on the theory of Java fundamentals? Yes, but not well enough to get a high score!

So for now, I'm not going to fret. I'm going to spend a couple of hours refreshing my memory on some Java tips and tricks and take the test 2 more times this afternoon. I'll take it once more first thing tomorrow morning and whichever is the best of my 4 scores, that's what I'll send. Then I'll sit back and enjoy my life and not worry about whether I ever hear back from this recruiter or not. Life's too short to sit around waiting for something that may not happen. Worse case: I don't get a job and it's closing in on Christmas. Oh well, I'll be a stay at home mom and enjoy my precious son and have more time to keep this house looking amazing (which is does) and continue cooking wonderful dinners for the kids. Best case: I get the job and become gainfully employed with a GREAT company, get that gym membership I've been waiting on, and finally have money to put in savings and invest, and also to buy nice handbags, makeup, perfume, and keep my bi-weekly mani/pedi appts. Oh and most importantly, my bi-weekly salon appts will keep my hair looking pretty. :-) We'll see what life has in store! Either way, I feel blessed, and THAT'S the truth!

The New Tami

Since lots of changes are happening in my life all at once, this hasn't left much time for me to sit around and wait to be hit with epiphanies about why this is all occurring. I've had to roll with the punches with a smile on my face. Even though I've been quite melancholy on the inside for some time now, this isn't something I'm comfortable showing or expressing. For example, I'm not that person whose Facebook status goes from "I'm So Excited!!" one day to "This is such a terrible day. :-( " the very next; don't want people thinking I'm suffering from manic disorder. (Note: I tend to guess that people who do behave this way are just screaming for either attention or a prescription for antidepressants, or just misplaced the ones they already have, or something)

But back to "The New Tami". Here are just a few of the changes I'm currently going through:

1) I'm 2 weeks away from the end of my pregnancy. 'nuff said

2) Since being laid-off from my job back in April, I have become a Stay At Home Mom. I've learned a lot during this experience, mostly that I'm not cut out for it.

3) My hubby is rarely around due to EXTREME prep for the Bar Exam. Throughout our entire marriage, we are ALWAYS together, so this in itself has been extremely difficult.

4) I have reconnected with a lot of people that I haven't had a chance to interact with in years. This is because my normal everyday routine has completely changed and the circle of individuals that I interact with every single day is different now. First off, my sister and I have been having a BLAST! She's a teacher and has the entire summer off and just LOVES it! She spends Sunday evenings planning a fun-filled week for her and her kids. And she bakes things from scratch. And takes pictures and puts them in frames to hang around the house. Get this: Her hubby makes a TON of money, so they can more than afford daycare or camp for the summer. But she just wants her kids home with her all day every day! She's one of a kind! Also, I've had a chance to connect more closely to my church friends. That has definitely made a difference!!

5) I chopped off my crown and glory a week ago. All of that thick, beautiful hair that was cascading down my back is now a close-cropped, chic, sexy 'do! I can't keep my hubby off of me! Not that I could before either, though. ;-) I already sense people reacting to me differently. I don't have young guys barely out of their teens trying to approach me anymore. Bank tellers, waitstaff, people in general seem to take me more seriously without my having to be an a$$hole. In other words, by default I feel that people respect me more. I look my age now (much closer to it, at least) and I can't rely on my beautiful locks to turn heads and get people to notice me anymore. It's what's on the inside that will have to dominate now, so I've definitely got some work to do. :-)

More later...

From Bad To Worse

Let's face it...today was just one of those days. Not sure how exactly it turned into one of those days...it definitely started off harmless enough. I had the wisdom, or foresight, or something, to switch my Thursday afternoon appt w/ my gynecologist to this morning at the very last minute. Thank God I did so, because tomorrow is going to be insane! The appt went smoothly enough, but once I got back to work, I think a few little things just gradually sent me down the path to a really bad mood. Little things, that in isolation aren't a big deal, but all combined in the same day make for kind of a tough day.

It may seem a little strange, but days like today sometimes cause me to reflect upon a company I worked at in the past. I can still remember to this day how I felt when I went on the interview...it was the most "exciting-looking" place I had seen before! There were foozball tables, pool tables, television sets, and even a cool looking small library that we all had access to. The ceilings, walls and floors had the most eclectic, cool looking modern tech designs and colors!! We had free soft drinks (which was a big deal for me at the time!) and the workspace just looked extremely "new millenium" even though the turn of the century hadn't occured yet. Over the first few years there, things began to unravel a bit. We gained a new parent company and almost immediately lost access to the floor of the building which contained all of the fun, extra-curricular items that had been bragged about as selling points for working at the company during my interview. We moved to a plain-Jane, vanilla, workspace eventually that had no character in itself at all. Many of the really nice people that kept things fun and exciting in the beginning were let go (or sensibly quit) over time. I watched the huge dip in morale gradually occur, and wondered what I had walked into. By the time the dotcom bubble burst, we were all stuck at the company anyway (NO ONE was hiring and the economy was struggling at the time). So it became an "employers market", which meant that if you're an employer, you have "carte blanche" to some degree over your employees, because they're not going anywhere since no one's hiring. This is the time period where silly rules start being created and enforced. This is also the time period where morale is so low, that over time you're left with a bunch of miserable, cynical people who are all complaining about their jobs. Bad days on the job spill over into bad days at home, and the cycle just repeats itself over and over day after day, week after week, month after month.

So it is on days like today that I reflect on something told to me by a colleague from the company I just spoke of. She was much older than me, and had TONS more life experience. Whenever we would get some type of bad or unfortunate news about a "change" of some sort, she would always remind me to just be patient because In six months, there is guaranteed to be, yet, another change that would make this one not seem as upsetting anymore. Sometimes that would mean that things would get even worse, but it usually ended up meaning that our worries/attention would become focused in another area, so the initial point of worry or bitterness isn't even relevant anymore. After 12 years in corporate America, I can definitely say that my former colleague has been right....every time. I'll do my best to keep my chin up...if I can get through the rest of this week unscathed, it will be nothing short of God's grace that got me through it!!

Ash Wednesday: Season of Lent

Happy Lenten Season! I'll go ahead and catch you up on what's new with me:

Pregnancy: My due date keeps being "adjusted" during my exams with my doctor due to the size of my uterus, size of the baby, etc. Currently, I am said to be right at 16 weeks tomorrow. Thankfully, the baby appears to be healthy and normal. My general attitude and well-being is very good also. No more nausea at all, except for during the time when I brush my teeth. I still get extremely exhausted, but that's because I've been waking up like clockwork every morning at 2am. Even though I'm in the bed by 9pm at the latest, that still only leaves me with less than 6 hours of sleep which isn't good. So by 4pm, I'm SO exhausted. And of course this is the time of day that I leave work to get the kids. It sucks because it feels like the kids only see me when I'm rushing them out of the door in the mornings to get to school on time, or when I'm half-awake picking them up from school and negotiating dinner. I know that it won't always be like this though, so I won't despair.

Home LifeMy husband and I have been enjoying each other very much. He's such a joy, and I simply do not know what I'd do without that man. I love him more and more every time I look at him. He's pointed out to me recently that I've been pretty laidback during this pregnancy. It reminds him of when I was pregnant with my son. By the way, we're having another BOY!! Hubby and I are still negotiating names, but I think we settled on one the other day. I already have a vision that he has Olan's personality and Cassie's physical features. That means he will be a wonderful kid that is simply adorable...just like my first two. :-) Speaking of my first two, I wish I could express how much I love Olan and Cassie. Without them and Chris, living would just feel so pointless. Even through the scary times, I can see how the Lord has really blessed us.

Everything ElseNot a whole lot more to share at the current moment...today is the first day of the Season of Lent, and I dropped in here beginning today to be sure to kickoff blogging more often all the way through Easter. It's nice to have a record of what's going on in my life to look back on later. I did a good job over the first two years I blogged here...but life got pretty hairy for a while there, and I never recovered here.

During the Lenten season I usually think of something to give up between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday. And in typical Tami fashion I never stick to it. I mulled a few things over this past weekend that I could stand to give up for 7 weeks: television, secular music, random,.non work-related internet surfing, but honestly, these things are like vices that I (incorrectly) have assumed are getting me through the daily stress of life. I'm almost terrified at the thought of giving up even one of these...even temporarily.

The more I think about it, these vices are mostly just distractions. I already have more trouble than the average adult staying focused on important things. Not to mention the fact that I have an obsessive (addictive) personality. Anything that I decide I REALLY want to do, I just dive in and forget about everything else around me. Yes, even vital, important areas of my life get overlooked and disregarded. Sadly, this sometimes includes my family, and even my relationship with the Lord. I'll post more tomorrow on how I plan to get over my "addictions", if you will. It's pretty intriguing in addition to just sad the extent to which I allow myself to become obsessed with some things. Until tomorrow!!

Big Ole Grump Box

That's what I've been this week. I'm tired of working ALL of the time. I'm tired of neglecting the things that are important; putting them off until I'm done with other stuff, stuff which is not as important long-term. I can see that it's starting to take its toll. A co-worker voiced yesterday that she's been feeling really grumpy lately and needs a REAL vacation. BOY could I relate! This might be wrong, but it felt good to know that someone could relate to how I've been feeling (although she and I are pretty similar in a lot of ways anyway).

I just want to drive around at night with my husband and kids and "oooh and ahhh" at the pretty Christmas lights! I want to make Christmas cookies and chocolate cocoa with the kids. I want to lay around in my PJ's and thermal socks and watch all of the Christmas classics (Rudolph, Frosty, Charlie Brown, Wonderful Life, etc...) I want to lay on my mom's couch and hear my grandmother's old Christmas 45s on a turntable while sipping hot apple cider. In short, I just want to be happy this Christmas. Last Christmas was the first one in my entire life that I was unhappy and slightly depressed. My Grandmother's health took a turn for the worse on Christmas Day 2007. We were with her in the hospital and I could tell she was getting worse, even though my heart wouldn't accept it. She passed away suddenly 5 days later and my family was heartbroken. I had hoped this Christmas would be better, but so far I just feel burnt out.

My son's behavior has been leaving lots to be desired at school lately, also. That's really got me down more than anything, I believe. He's always been the perfect kid that everyone loves being around, but all of a sudden his daily progress reports have negative feedback on them everyday. I know that this is just a phase, but I'm not handling it well on the inside. He turns 5 on Sunday, so he's just a little one. But this time in his life is critical to who he will become as a man, and I want to be sure that everything I do as his mom pushes him in the right direction.

Next week is my last week in the office until January (and I'm only going in for 4 days). Maybe I can do some of the things I mentioned above during my two weeks off! That would be nothing short of a miracle, but as long as I'm not sitting around working constantly and feeling stressed, I'm already going in a better direction. :-)

Lessons Learned

I don't mind sharing that I am 34 years old as of yesterday afternoon. I look DARN good for my age, and actually consider it bragging to reveal my age. I constantly hear "Wow, you're in your 30's?? Seriously??" I love it, so please keep it up for as long as it's true. :-) :-)

Well you don't live 34 years without making a lot of serious observations about this journey we call life. Here are a few things I have learned throughout my life; these are time-tested truths that I'd like to share with you.

It's fairly easy to tell whose really in your corner. The people that have your back no matter what are consistent. Consistency is key. You know those people that are all giggles and smiles and sharing deep, dark secrets when you're alone? Well, if these people behave differently toward you in the company of others, that's a serious red flag. To me, that screams "I like you for the most part as a person and think you're really nice and/or cool, but the other people that I'm closer to don't like you, or wouldn't approve of me being friends with you." And isn't this how we behaved in high school? Yeah, run like the wind from these people.

The number of friends you have is directly related to how you treat people. If you are nice to people and really care about them, at least 85% of them will return the feeling and behavior. It's simple math, yet some people still get confused by it. They wonder why they lack friends and even long for them. It's easy to wish for fruit during harvest time when we haven't sown any seeds seasons prior. But wishes like this are futile.

The world will move on without you. People can get over you if you give them enough time. If you are difficult to be around, then it's just not worth it, and people will soon learn to adjust to life without you. As painful as it is to cut ties with a friend, spouse, or other loved-one, if you're more trouble than you're worth, people will move on, and the earth will still rotate on its axis, somehow.

Your children will most likely turnout just like you... Not like you WANT to be or who you THINK you are, but who you actually are. So if you're the type of person that's slightly delusional about how you affect others, just watch your kids grow up. You will see your traits come out in them. Good and bad. It's cute, yet can be scary if you are unaware of who you are at this point in your life.

The world is full of followers. Even as adults, people are still waiting on someone else to tell them what to do and how to think. Most people seem to live in the moment and aren't grounded in a solid foundation. We are a superficial group of people, the human race. It's so easy to change someone's mind about something and send them in a different direction when something new comes along that's fresh and exciting.

The more you truly learn in this world, the more you are humbled about how much there is to learn. That's why the people who are really smart are the most patient. They know that there is a vast world out there that they do not know about and are eager to learn more and SHARE what they've learned with others. The people who have learned "just enough" to make them "appear" smarter than others are the ones who just sit comfortably on what they learned and spend much of their time ridiculing others who don't know as much. When someone comes along who knows just as much and even more, they fight to keep this person silenced or made to feel inferior. Happens everyday, unfortunately.

The more you truly learn in this world, the easier it is to distinguish between those who KNOW and those to TALK as if they know. When you are asking someone a question and they keep talking over you and don't give you a chance to even state your question clearly...RUN. Find someone who actually has enough knowledge to be of true assistance to you. This world is so full of people who have gotten where they are NOT because of what they know, but...(see next statement)

It's truly not about what you know in this world, rather, it's about WHO you know. Timeless truth. It's so sad, but SO TRUE. Anyone watch Real Housewives of Atlanta? No? Good, that show sucks, yet is heavily addictive for goodness sakes! The women on this show are living proof of this, if anyone is still confused about why their hard work hasn't reaped the benefits they feel are warranted. (Kim Zolciak, I'm looking at you)

You should ALWAYS be thinking ahead of where you are now. For the first time in my life, I understand what this means, and I have actually been living with this mindset. With a deeper understanding of this (and many of the aforementioned statements) I am very excited about where my life is headed! I'm not so focused on the here and now anymore, and I'm especially done trying to impress those directly in front of me. I've outgrown where I am in my life, like a pair of 3-year old pants that are out of season and have worn inseams. Time to move upward and onward which is the right direction! :-) :-) :-)

Transparency

I am a walking collection of images. I believe that most adults are capable of adapting to our current situation as needed. In my case, however, I have a bunch of different personalities on storage to be used as the situation calls for. When I'm at work, I am professional, fun-loving, always happy Tami. When I'm at home, I am lazy, curl up on the couch with my laptop, don't want much excitement Tami. When I'm at church, I am ray of sunshine, life is perfect, everyone's friend Tami.



What these "on-storage" personalities have done over time is shroud the real Tami from most of the world. With the exception of my husband and a couple of VERY close friends, my true, complete identity remains a mystery to most. There is very little that I find more freeing than just being COMPLETELY transparent. Thus the purpose of this post. I'm not revealing everything at once...just two or three things that I tend to keep hidden. Here goes:

1) I am hyper image-conscious.



Most of what I do and say is motivated by how I think I am coming across to others or how I think they will receive me. I have in my mind what I think are the ideal internal and external human qualities (physical beauty, smiles, physical fitness, great posture, super positive outlook on life, etc...) and I work day and night to present this in my everyday walk. This ties in to why I am such a people-pleaser in some ways, and need validation from others. I feel that I need to be sure that the image others have of me is the one I'm trying to present.

2) I am very territorial when it comes to my friends. Here's a quick example. I have a really good friend that I met at work. She and I became extremely close and spent a lot of time together during my first year at the company. Over time, she also began getting to know a couple of other co-workers that I became friendly with. Even though neither of us are as close to the other co-workers as we are to one another, she eventually began feeling obligated to invite them to come along EVERYWHERE that she and I went. And they also began inviting themselves along EVERY TIME she and I were going to hangout for lunch. I became somewhat resentful of the other two co-workers; I felt that they were imposing on the friendship I had; they never interacted with her unless I was around.



Since I was the only link between them and my friend, I expected them to get that and not invite themselves to lunch with us as frequently as they did. Here's the thing: I've been on the other side before too. At my last company, if I became close to "co-worker A" who I sat right next to, "co-worker B" who I wasn't as close to would would come over to our area and invite "co-worker A" to lunch. I was NEVER invited by "co-worker A" OR "co-worker B" to go along with them. EVER. So in my mind, it served as a lesson that one should make their own friends, instead of assuming that you are friends with someone "by-proxy".

I am just now realizing is that maybe the behavior at the last company was actually shady, and the behavior at my current company is more common/normal. And this is most likely the case looking back at the sum total of behavior I was exposed to there. Anyhoo, that's all for now. I'll share more next Sunday.

More Money, More Problems

I felt inspired to bump this post up today. It's from Feb 2007.

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Originally posted on February 20, 2007

The title of this post happens to be inspired by the tenth track on the late Notorious B.I.G.'s album "Life After Death". And, it's actually entitled "Mo Money, Mo Problems", but I have a major problem with the dismissal of proper grammar. I've always been interesting that way. But I digress...

Lately, I have found myself thinking a lot about people that I know who are wealthy. There is a definite pattern among these individuals/couples that I simply cannot get past. There appears to be a lack of a special love and happiness that I figured was standard for a married couple. In fact, I will go as far as to say that an underlying contention is present and I find this unsettling. I think to myself, "Ah, this absence of happiness must be associated with the lifestyle that is accompanied by huge incomes". There is a reason why this thought has been more prevalent in my mind recently.

Chris and I have always been that couple that loves going on long drives and remarking on how different areas that we are familiar with have changed over time. We enjoy driving through communities in East Cobb County and looking at the gargantuan homes with awe. Never once do we actually discuss living in an area such as this; it has just never come up in conversation. However, now that Chris is in law school, we both know in the back of our minds that the possibility that we will end up in one of these areas now exists. If Chris completes law school, and takes his career in a particular direction, who knows what type of lifestyle we will be able to afford! I definitely think about this from time to time.

To be honest, sometimes my mind travels down a road that leads directly to fear. Every now and then, it crosses my mind that Chris and I could become "that couple". You know, the one that used to be happy before they started making so much money. That scares me sometimes, to be completely honest. So I spent some time in prayer over this a while back. Over the course of time I began to realize something that could only have come from the blessing of God's wisdom. The sum total of your family life will not be determined by how much money you have in your bank account. Actually, what affects your life and all those in it will be based upon the importance that money (and the things that money can buy you) has over your life.

For example, there is a couple that is a part of my family and I'm privy to their financial situation. The husband and wife both make what I would consider to be somewhat comfortable incomes. If you look at the way that they live, however, you would guess that they were both pulling in six-figure salaries. Here's the thing: there is a constant battle of wills in their marriage. The wife is "always wanting more" because she is used to spending every dime that they have, and always feels that stretching their income just "one more inch" won't make a huge difference on their livelihood. Since I've known them, they've lost two homes to foreclosure, lost one of their vehicles suspiciously, and always seem to be digging themselves out from under the mound of worry and grief that is debt. Yet every time I see them, they are looking for a way to get a bigger home, or a brand new car, or something along those lines.

Then there's the example of David VanConkrite. He was a hugely successful businessman, with connections in all of the right places. He and his wife Janice owned a sprawling mansion and other homes across the country. They played tennis regularly with A-list celebrities. However, David and Janice wanted so much more out of life. They are extremely wealthy, but decided that they could only be truly happy if they used the large amount of money that they generated to reach out to others that are less fortunate. Thus, they sold their lavish homes, expensive cars, and put most of what they had into a ministry here in Atlanta known as Blood-N-Fire ministries. They live in a comfortable home inside of the perimeter and drive cars similar to what a person with a mid-level income could afford. AND they are probably the happiest couple that you could ever have the pleasure of being around. The love they have for each other and for the ministry just bounces off of them and permeates whatever room they are in.

In a nutshell, it's not the size of your income that has the most control over your happiness. No, what matters is what you happen to deem most important in this one life we get to live here on Earth. For most of us, unfortunately, possessions are at the very top of this list, thus contributing to the attitude that no amount of money is ever good enough. This reminds me of the well-known quote from Rockefeller. Someone asked him how much money would be enough for him. His answer was, "Just a little bit more". If that's the way that people choose to live their lives, there's nothing that I can do about it, nor do I wish to. But I am challenging myself to guard my heart, mind, and family in the coming days. God-willing, my family will not become a negative statistic.

Sizing You Up

Liz Dwyer has an excellent post (as always) today that I want to share. I've cited her blog several times here, and for good reason. She usually finds a way to eloquently say what I'm feeling, yet don't know how to express. Please read her latest post entitled "Sizing Me Up". She's right on target.

"Clause" and Effect

I bumped this post up just to reflect for a moment. Life certainly comes at you fast whether you're ready or not. This post was originally written on November 11 at 9:58 am. So many things were different. I was still grieving over the loss of my dog Sheba. I was worried sick about my grandmother in the hospital, and worried just as much over my mother who I could tell was suffering a great deal emotionally.

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Original Date of Post: 11/11/07 - 9:58 AM

Life has certainly been interesting over the past month or so. This morning, I woke up feeling under the weather. My daughter and I are both sneezing all over the place. My hubby went on to church without us, as it seems to have been the case over the past few weeks.

My grandmother is on day 17 in the hospital. At this point, her breathing seems to be under control, but she is completely miserable. They inserted a feeding tube inside of her because she wasn't eating anything. On top of the effects of the emphysema, she is also suffering due to nicotine withdrawal (anxiety, lack of appetite, etc...) She spends a lot of time moaning, which is difficult for everyone around her who loves her to see. Still no word at all on how much longer she'll be hospitalized, or what needs to happen so that she will be ready to return home. My mom has been living in the ICC waiting room at Emory Hospital this whole time. She only goes home once per week to wash clothes and grab a few more things to bring back to the hospital. I think that this is due to the fact that my grandmother gets extremely anxious any second that my mom is not in the room with her. Such a difficult situation.

In some ways I'm still dealing with the fact that Sheba is gone. It sneaks up on me from time to time. I always saved the bones from chicken wings for her, since she loved crunching them. So now, if I'm eating wings, for example, it's like remembering all over again that she's not coming back when I realize don't need to save the bones. You know what I mean? I long to feel her fur on the side of my face while she snuggles with me. I really, really miss her. Still not sure about a new puppy yet...hard to think about in too much detail thus far.

My hubby and I were talking the other day about how short this life is. I really treasure spending time with him. It got me thinking about the people, places and things that I love so much. Getting some free time with my husband; spending a weekend afternoon with my sister; going to Disney World with the family; sitting out in the CNN atrium eating lunch and gabbing with my co-workers; going to the movies/having lunch with my friend Chrissy; going to Golden Corral with the hubby and kids on Saturday afternoon; going to Camp Greenville with the students at Mount Paran; having long phone conversations with my mom;

Nostalgia

–noun
1. a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time: a nostalgia for his college days.

I've been longing for happier times for quite some time now. If you follow my blog at all, you know that the past 3 months have been tough for me and my family. Today, during my regularly scheduled perusal of the blogosphere, I ran across an embedded Youtube video of Keith Sweat ft Jackie McGhee singing "Make it Last Forever" circa 1988. Ahhhhh, the good, old days.

Life was SO simple back when that song was in heavy rotation. I was in the 8th grade at Henderson High School. Every time I look back I think about all of the wasted opportunities in my past. Each time I look back, I want to cry over all of the people that I let down. Whenever I think on old times, I want to hop into a time machine and go back to 8th grade and start over. 8th grade was the virtual "fork in the road" moment in my life. This was my chance to shape my destiny, and shape it I did. I got excepted into an amazing school, and all of the accelerated programs and classes within it. Unfortunately for me, being a braniac wasn't good enough anymore. Actual "work" was required to succeed at this school, and I had ZERO experience with actually working.

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As I was typing this post light night, I heard a LOUD scream coming from my son's room. I ran in there and saw my 2 year-old daughter holding her head in her hands and blood on her face! She and her brother were playing even though they were told to go to bed, and she had obviously fallen and hit her forehead on the foot of my son's bed. My husband and I spent the rest of the night tending to her. I'll have to revisit my thoughts on nostalgia another time, hopefully soon.

Friday: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

What a day:

The Good -

• I met up with one of my best friends, Chrissy L for lunch at House of Chan up in Smyrna today. It's always SO good to spend time with her. I also ran into a young lady that I used to be buddies with that works there.
  
• I got a ton of work done this week, and I'm packing up for the weekend feeling a freedom that I don't usually feel.
  
• I am finally learning to live with peace over the passing of my grandmother. It still aches so much, but I'm starting to settle in to the fact that it was best for her, and that's what matters most, and what I should try and focus on most
  

The Bad -

• I hit someone's car on the way back from lunch today. I was pulling into a parking space at my job, and the front left portion of my fender brushed against the back right bumper of their truck. I can't believe I did that. I'm still getting used to driving Chris's larger-than-life-itself Nissan Titan, so I think that's why this happened
  
• My house is a wreck, and I have to go home to it and face this reality. I guess I know what I'll being doing well into the evening and super early tomorrow morning. Egads.
  
• I just found out that a young lady that is a co-worker of mine has pancreatic cancer and has been diagnosed with only 3 - 6 months to live. She has 3 very small children and this news is very heart-breaking. My fervent prayers will be going out to her and her family.
  

The Ugly -
As I was walking into the breakroom a moment ago, I fell splat on the floor on my way to the crystal springs water cooler. Thank God no one was in there to see me.


I have a bad feeling. I know that I need to pray more often, and times like this serve as a harsh reminder. Weird things keep happening one after another here lately, so either my head is all over the place and I need to focus a little more, or it's something else. I don't believe in omens or anything like that, but I know that the Lord gives us signs through the Holy Spirit, especially when we're in deep prayer.

God be with you all today and the rest of this weekend.

The Saturday Before Christmas

The hubby, kids and I... went out to Golden Corral for breakfast this morning. The kids were REALLY well-behaved. Much more so than normal. I want to attribute this to my consistency as of late as a firm mom. I've continued to be nurturing, but I've been adding a lot of tough love lately. You may have noticed from previous posts that it's been brought to my attention lately that I suck as a mom. Okay that's kind of harsh, but I definitely have to do a much better job of implementing a balance of love and discipline with the kids.

Also, the hubby and I... finally got all of the Christmas shopping for the kids finished. The kids are getting SO much stuff this year, that Chris and I had to bag up and ship to Goodwill almost 3/4 of the toys they already have just to make room for what we bought them today. (Never mind what they still have to open from other family members)

I haven't updated... on my grandmother in a long time. I think I mentioned in a previous post that she was finally released from the hospital and admitted to a rehabilitation facility until she was well enough to resume living with my mom. She was admitted to a geriatric hospital on Friday (yesterday) morning due to complications from severe chest congestion which appeared to be pneumonia. By yesterday evening, the doctor at the hospital said that the x-ray came back and showed no signs that my grandmother had pneumonia. This is the second time in less than two months that my grandmother has entered a hospital and been diagnosed with pneumonia only to be told hours later that she didn't have it. The whole thing is really frustrating...everytime things begin looking up for my grandmother, there's another setback to her health and progress. It almost feels like she will be dealing with this for the rest of her life. But I know my Father better than to even begin to have a lack of hope like this and to accept such negativity.

I just finished watching... "Dorothy Dandrige: An American Beauty". What a tragedy. Much is made of the impact the 1940's - 60's racist America had on Dorothy's troubled life and lack of deserved success. Even though this is very much the case, I was personally more troubled by her horrible family life. Did you know that Dorothy's mother abandoned their father, and took Dorothy and her sister Vivian with her? She began a lesbian relationship with a woman who would ultimately physically, sexually, and emotionally victimize Dorothy for all of her childhood. I often hear people remark on the fact that Dorothy never had luck in her love life as she became an adult and even throughout her entire career. Well of course she didn't! Life is hard enough when you have a stable upbringing. I can't imagine trying to make decisions and cope with adversity when your own home is essentially a prison.

This is probably TMI... (too much info), but I have had a pain in my lower abdominal area for the past 36 hours or so. I'm not sure what is contributing to this. It's not a throbbing or dull pain or anything like that. More of a feeling of pressure that ranges from minor to slightly intense. For you women who have had kids, it reminds me of the way it felt when I was pregnant and the baby was sitting on my bladder. My hubby reminded me that I spent Thursday morning doing my own version of full cardio hour via my iPod and a bunch of dance moves that I haven't tried since earlier this year when I was in perfect shape. I probably pulled an ab muscle. I must note that I called my OB/GYN doctor tonight to see if he could diagnose the problem, and he sounded very bored with me.

I guess I'll try to rest now and hopefully I'll get over this very uncomfortable abdominal issue. I've got a ton of gifs to wrap tomorrow!

SO much to talk about!

I've gotten really behind at work over the last few days, so I'm going to spend the day getting caught up. As soon as I get a break, I'll rattle off a few posts here. There's so much going on and you know that I wouldn't be Tami if I didn't weigh in. :-) I'll be back! (said in thick German/Austrian accent).

Normalcy

That's one of my favorite words...normalcy. It just sounds kind of sexy. I'm trying to get back into the swing of regular life. My household is moving on now somewhat after the horrible week we have had. I'm working from home today, and I'm going to do my best to get the house cleaned up as much as possible. This might help us feel somewhat removed from the chaos we've been living in.

My grandmother is still in the hospital, but I think that she is on the road to recovery. If you are reading this and believe in prayer, she can really use it.

I really don't have a whole lot to talk about these days. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other and hope that I end up someplace not so horrible. I put all of my faith and trust in the Lord, and I believe that things will be fine. Not fine as I define it, but fine meaning whatever the Lord feels is best for mine and my family's life.

I hope to get back to my regular posting over the next day or two. Thanks for hanging in there with me. :-)

Example of why you ALWAYS need a Plan 'B'

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "Life comes at you fast!" I just realized that I have NO idea who actually coined that phrase. I only recognize it from the Nationwide Insurance commercial.

In case you don't read this blog regularly, here's a quick summary of the current state of my life. My husband applied to law school early in 2006 thinking that due to his age, and a few other factors, he'd never actually get in. He just wanted to say that he had applied. During the Spring of 2006, he gets accepted into law school! Now, we realize that if he goes part time, it will take about 5 years. Spending 5 years in law school is just not an option at this point in our lives. At all. We determine that we can almost afford to live on my salary alone, and decide that he should try to go full time. The fact that my mom decided to retire around the same time and keep my daughter while my hubby was at school and I was at work confirmed that he had to go for it. Without the second daycare fee to pay for, we knew that we could manage.

We are now at the end of 2007, and my hubby has 4 weeks of class left in this semester, which means that he has gotten through 1/2 of his total time in law school. My grandmother began living with my mother late last year. This past week, my grandmother got very sick. So sick, that she ended up being hospitalized. They told us that they were keeping her overnight. That same evening, my mom was told that my grandmother had pneumonia. We just didn't see that one coming. The next evening (Friday), my mom was told that my grandmother didn't have pneumonia. Praise God! I was so relieved. I went to visit my grandmother in the hospital yesterday (Saturday). She seemed to be doing well, but she kept having episodes where she wasn't able to catch her breath. So at this point, I believe the doctors are running all the tests they can to rule everything out. If the tests reveal nothing that the doctors can remedy via a hospital stay, I know that eventually they will have to send her home. This will leave my mom caring for her full time for an indefinite amount of time.

So this leaves my hubby and I with some quick decisions to make. I can't keep working from home...I need to be in meetings with my colleagues...I need the mental stimulation of being around other people with various technical skills that I can bounce things off of...I need that second pair of eyes...and to be frank, they need me as well. So what do we do?

That remains to be seen... :-/ More later...

Busy, busy, busy

Who isn't busy these days? EVERYONE I know is just completely slammed with one thing or another. As for me, I don't even know where to begin.

I've been having a blast with my kids. They are growing up before my eyes. My son is becoming extremely self-sufficient and I've gotten better at learning what makes both of my kids tick, for the most part. Content kids usually equals a content household. My daughter and I put together a jigsaw puzzle of the continents, seas and oceans. Well, she handed various pieces to me while I put them into place. :-)

My hubby might as well be writing up some billable hours at the law firm where he works. He went to court today, and the entire case was built around his research, and suggestions he made to the defense attorney throughout the trial. The case appears to be in their favor, and the attorney told his client that Chris is the man to thank for all the hard work. How exciting!!!

I hung out with my sister, niece and nephew this afternoon. We had a great time together. We went to Lenox Mall and walked around for a little while, and then grabbed lunch from Wendy's. It was such a relaxing time. Of course, I had to return to work after our time together which was not so relaxing. :-)

I've really been on a roll with boosting my technology expertise. I've got a LONG ways to go before I reach my goals, but they don't seem so far-fetched anymore. That's definitely progress. I've been tasked with some projects that are giving me a real challenge. Hopefully, I'll rise to the occasion.

I just wish I could stay off of the internet all together. I'm starting to think that it's REALLY driving me insane. I've been stressing over avoiding HP: Book 7 spoilers, but the world is so full of DEVASTATING events that it's hard to even think about. It makes my head and heart ache.

I'm off to bed for about 6 hours. I usually look forward to the weekend, but I'm on-call for the first time in about 3 months. Boo.

Taking Control

I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. - Matthew 10:16

This post is about me, but I think that it will probably be beneficial for many people to reflect upon, despite my lack of specifics.

For my entire life, I have always enjoyed making people happy. Receiving accolades and praise from my peers (people in my generation and older) is a minimum requirement for me. I honestly believed that I had finally gotten over this, especially after I had kids. But I have recently discovered that more than ever, I have a strong desire for approval from my peers in certain situations in my life. Just like anyone else who needs positive affirmation, there is usually a motivating factor that incites this need. Lately, the source of inspiration has been obtaining more for my family.

Well, I can mark today as the day that I decided to take back control of my life. Now, here's where I start getting a little vague. This is only because I don't want to get into specifics about the particular area of my life that I'm taking control of. According to my site meter records, quite a few people read this blog! :-) But, I will say this in an effort to help someone else in a similar situation as myself: If you find that someone in your life is actively controlling the outcome of situations tat involve you, it's time to relinquish their control RIGHT NOW! You may think that they are great people or have your best interests at heart. But if you are in a cyclical, never-ending rut in any aspect of your life due to a particular person or persons, it is time to take control back. Yes, I am a Christian, and should display a meek, loving personality around others. But I've never seen anything in the word of God that said that I was supposed to be completely stupid and let someone else indirectly make decisions that affect the outcome of my life. If you think this may be happening to you, I would suggest that you pray for wisdom and guidance about it, and see how and where the Lord leads you in handling this.

It's time for me to start getting ready for tomorrow, so this day is basically done. But starting tomorrow as soon as I wake up from peaceful slumber (God-willing), I plan to be the proud new owner of areas of my life that were formerly in irresponsible, selfish hands. I'm looking forward to getting those back, finally. We'll see how things turn out over the course of time.