A "weighty" obsession

Bumping this up...thought it was cute. :-)

Originally posted on 1/10/07 at 2:56pm
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I tend to shake my head and sigh whenever I read about Mary Kate Olsen or Lindsay Lohan and their ever-present issues with weight. This is not because I feel that their inability to consume anything over 0.45 calories is despicable. No, no, my friends, I actually empathize with these dear children to some degree. I know what it's like to strive to reach a particular standard of self-perceived perfection; I'm sure that most of us have been there.

When I was 11 years old, a ballet classmate of mine informed me that my thighs were getting fat. I had to do a double take. I was already about 5'6 by the time I was 11, and no scale I had ever been on at that point or before then had ever tipped past 100 lbs. I asked her to please repeat her statement, although I couldn't bear the thought of hearing it again. "I said YOUR THIGHS ARE REALLY FAT!!", she exclaimed. She even went as far as to support her claim by pointing out that my thighs looked especially mammoth while I was sitting on the floor doing our stretches. Is it sad that I still remember her name?

Felicia Davis. She was maybe a year older than me, about an inch or so taller, and extremely top-heavy. She was, like, TWO of me, with a little room to spare. Why didn't I point this out to her so she would get out of my face, and so that I could continue wowing the class with my mastery of the arabesqué? Because that's not the way I was raised. My parents taught me to ignore verbally pessimistic, critical people, as their sole purpose was to find solace in their own feelings of inadequacy. So I smiled at her sweetly, held my head especially high in the air, and walked to the other side of the room to work on my pirouettes.

Sadly, that was the first time I began dieting...at age 11 for goodness sakes! No more potato chips, burgers, chocolate, or ice cream for 11 year-old Tami. I even spent the next few months running in place in my bedroom in front of my full-length mirror. I did this for about 20 minutes per night to assist in rapid weight loss. By the end of the year, once I'd turned 12, I was pretty scrawny. But I remember looking in the mirror and thinking to myself, "What in the world am I ever going to do about these thighs??" The answer would come a few weeks before Christmas that year.

We were in our last ballet class before the holidays, and as I was stretching on the bar one of my classmates approached me to chat. Her name? Kristina Pruitt (daughter of John Pruitt, WSB-TV anchor). While I was talking she began staring at me with fascination. I was certain that she was noticing how fat my thighs were, so I just took a deep breath and said, "What is the matter?" She pointed toward my neck, so I faced the mirror right behind us. I didn't see anything, so I asked, "What's the problem?" She said, "Look at how your collarbone sticks out!". I looked again to confirm this, because I had never noticed this before. I tilted my head (you have to tilt your head to the side to see things more clearly) and said, "Guess you're right." Kristina then explained to me that "...only extremely skinny people have collar-bones that stick out."

I began stopping by Dairy Queen on the way home from ballet class each day, and ordering a banana split with extra whipped cream and chocolate on top. I also ordered an extra side of healthy self-image and a double order of happiness with who I was inside and out. :-)

Here we go again...

...with the weight thing.

I know, it's a never-ending thing with me. This time around, however, I'm starting in a much better position than usual. I'm already in pretty good shape, and in my opinion I look awesome in my size 6's. However, I'm now embarking on something that I haven't ever concerned myself with in the past. This time, I'm going hardcore: I want to get into a floral print string bikini.

Let me just say that I truly believe that if I lived in some other region of the US, I wouldn't even care about stuff like this. But I live in Atlanta. Most of us are very superficial here, and care a lot about physical appearance (see Miami, LA). It's just the way it is. Or maybe it's just the people that I'm closest too, and whose opinions I care the most about? Hmmm....I'll explore that one later.

So I'm on a serious mission to be bikini-ready by June 20 (beginning of summer). I am actually excited about it! As I mentioned, I'm already tank-top and flip-flop ready. The main motivation for the bikini-feat is the fact that my family is going on a trip to Myrtle Beach mid-July. I have to represent. I do NOT usually do the beach and I don't swim; we're the kind of people that go to the beach just because it's pretty, not to actually get into the water. So I don't usually have a need for a bikini. I typically just wear shorts and a tank top.

Thanks to my friend Vanessa, I'm already on victoriasecret.com looking at swimsuits. Maybe this will keep my Zaxby's-chicken-wing-eating self in the gym at least 4 days a week. Actually, the gym isn't the problem. If I can just remember to use the push-back method I'll be in good shape. (Push-back from the table)

Weight Management: Figuring It All Out - UPDATE 2

Eureka, I've finally figured it all out! I've determined where I keep crossing the line from fit to fat. I weighed myself a few weeks ago, right before Thanksgiving - I weighed in at 152. I ate like a pig from Thanksgiving Day up until a day or two ago. Today, I finally made it back to the gym. I weighed myself...156. So here's what happens:

When I weighed in at 152, I started feeling EXTREMELY cocky. Since I hadn't made it to the gym the days leading up to that moment I weighed in at 152, it was as if the weight just fell off on it's on for no reason. So here's how my brain files away this 3 or 4lb drop in weight: "Losing weight is easy! Just keep doing what you're doing!" That, my friends, is where I keep messing up.

My hubby explained something very important to me that I think everyone needs to remember (especially me): It takes your body approximately 6 weeks to catch up to your current behavior and food-intake. Since my metabolism is higher than most women my age, it only takes me about 4 weeks. Remember back in mid-October when I began getting super stressed? Sheba passed away a few weeks later, and I was catapulted into a slight depression for a while there. I spent about 4 weeks just not really eating anything. After I came out of my depression, I had a welcome treat...I was back in my size 8's. I noticed that I even fit into a couple of size 6's that run a little small, and are probably just skinny 8's. But still...I was filling up my size 10's just weeks earlier, so this surprised me.

Well, I've just spent 2 weeks eating everything I've wanted, and I haven't been drinking any water at all. I worked out today, and if I do the same tomorrow, and Friday while drinking tons of water and eating light, I will probably be back down to about 152 or 153lbs by the end of this week. If I keep it up for a least the next two weeks, I will have saved myself from jumping back up in the 160's.

I hope this post makes sense. I need sleep now, and will edit tomorrow if this seems unclear when I read this again. :-)

Weight Management: Figuring It All Out - UPDATE

It's amazing how much can change in 3 weeks. When I last posted about my weight issues, that was the most frustrating thing in my life at the time. I was so disgusted with myself for getting up to 167 lbs, and I wondered how long it would take me to get out of these size 10 jeans and back down to my size 6 jeans. I also wanted to determine what factors in my life cause or contribute to my bad eating habits, reduction in amount of exercise, and subsequent weight gain.

The past 3 1/2 weeks have been full of stress. My grandmother's illness, the death of my dog Sheba, and concern over our current financial situation have left me with little appetite. Before these events kicked in, I had started making it back to the gym about twice per week doing "sprints" on the treadmill. You burn calories/fat all day long, and for days afterward when doing this type of cardio training. Couple this with the fact that I probably have only been getting about 300 calories per day, at most. I just haven't felt like eating anything at all. I've only felt like sulking. Oh yeah, I mentioned taking the diet pills in the last post, but I had a hard time getting adjusted to them and my sleep was altered too much, so I stopped taking them all together.

I weighed 167 lbs on October 24, the date of my last weight post. I weighed myself in the gym yesterday. I weigh 153 lbs. I have lost 14 lbs over the past 3 1/2 weeks. I lost an average of 1.64 lbs per day. That almost seems impossible to me. I'm back in my size 8 jeans again. Now it's time to really focus on eating several small healthy meals throughout the day, drinking tons of water, and exercising daily. Again, weight-loss due to stress isn't recommended. My waist is non-existent which I love, but I'm not as firm and toned as I'm used to being when I'm this size. Being skinny is fun, but who wants to be skinny and flabby? No, that's simply NOT cute.

I'll keep you updated on this ongoing issue. :-)

Weight Management: Figuring it all out

**Scroll to bottom for update**

I cannot sleep. I was showered and in the bed at 8:15pm. I checked my email, surfed for a few moments, and shut down the computer at 8:30pm. As I was about to rest my head on the pillow, I saw a news story that made me decide to call my mom to chat with her about it for 2 or 3 minutes. We talked for a solid hour. :-)

At 9:30, I laid my head on my pillow to go to sleep. Never happened. Let's go back...waaay back.

Back in May of 2006, my hubby and I went on a cruise to the Bahamas. I had begun exercising pretty regularly for about a month or so prior and I was feeling very fit at the time of the vacation. I wore lots of cutesy outfits because I felt great and I was very confident. I weighed 180 lbs.

By the end of the following summer, I had lost another 15 lbs or so and was down to 165 lbs. By the time Christmas rolled around, we began planning for our Spring 2007 trip to Orlando. I wanted to get down to 155lbs by the time the Orlando trip rolled around; I know that I can fit into my size 8 pants and shorts at that weight. So 2007 rolls in, and I decide to kick it into high gear. I began taking fat burners and working out everyday. Why the fat burners? They suppress my appetite, and I get to the point where I'm only eating because I know that I should. This means that I wasn't craving anything in particular, and was fine with eating fruit for breakfast and bland skinless chicken breasts and broccoli spears for lunch and dinner everyday. I do not endorse fat burners for everyone; you have to be very careful and be sure that you know what's good and what's bad for your body.

I hit 155 by the beginning of February! There were still about three pair of my skinny size-6 pants that I couldn't fit into comfortably. So I decided why not lose another 7 or 8 lbs or so? By the time March 1 rolled around, I was down to 143! When I look back at pictures from the Disney trip earlier this year, I just love how skinny I look.

So now it's October of 2007. Seven months later. And I have managed to gain 24 lbs back. I currently weight 167 lbs. How do you gain 24 lbs in seven months? You have a good friend give you the best chocolate chip cookie recipe on earth. And you bake said cookies "for your kids" every other day for 3 solid months. Oh, and you also abandon the gym, and instead, eat a burger and fries from Wendy's for lunch everyday. Yep, that'll pretty much do it. Not to mention the fact that when you're 5'9, you can carry a lot of weight before it starts to become obvious that you've gained too much.

HERE'S THE QUESTION: At what point am I making the switch from working out everyday and eating healthy to eating like a pig and skipping the gym? That's what I need to figure out. That's why it's really good to keep a journal or a blog. I can go back and look through my posts over this past year and determine what my mindset was, what my actions were, and hopefully I can get an idea of where exactly I keep crossing the line from fit to fat.

More on this later...

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Update - 10:20am

It was just brought to my attention that I never explained how this all ties in to my insomnia last night. The fat burners that I mentioned above have high amounts of caffeine (which ties in to the loss of appetite). Therefore, when you take them for the first time (or the first time in over a year) your body and mind have to resynchronize themselves, so to speak, due to the sudden boost to your metabolism. This makes it difficult to feel tired enough to sleep during this adjustment period. Don't worry, my body will be adjusted by tomorrow at this time I'm sure. Crash and burn much?

Summer - 3 days away!

Thought I'd update the blog with what the Gill's are up to now that a new season is upon us. Mostly for myself so I'll have something to look back on as time moves forward.

The hubby finished up his 1st year of law school. Last week he began a summer internship at a small firm in DeKalb county. Yes it's a paid internship(thank you, Jesus!). :-) He is in court a few times a week, preparing motions and all kinds of "lawyery" stuff that I don't understand. 1 year down, two more to go!!

The kiddos are still as precious and adorable as ever. My son is 3 1/2 now and my daughter will be 2 in five days! *alert...bragging mom moment** My son knows about 25 of the 43 presidents of the US, all of his numbers from 1 - 50, several of the US states by geographic location, his alphabet (lower and upper case), how to spell a few words, and a host of other countless things! My daughter loves to talk, can count to 12, knows her alphabet, and is a joy to all of those she is around.

My parents are leaving in a few weeks on a trip to Australia, New Zealand, and Hawaii. This will mark the end of my daughter staying with my mom everyday while I'm at work. Once my parents return, my mom plans to begin a tutoring service for high school students. My mom can't stay retired for anything. :-) I love that she's so active; hope I stay that way as I get older. Cassie will start attending Olan's school in a few weeks. I'm praying that this works out well...for the other kids at the daycare, I mean. :-)

And I talk about myself enough on a regular basis so that it's not necessary to mention what's going on with me. Except for this: I've gotten hardcore about my fitness again. I went to the gym everyday last week, and will go everyday this week as well. Beginning tomorrow. Off to get a cheeseburger and fries from Wendy's now...gotta go.