On Enjoying Your Life

Lately, I've become more aware of others around me. Over the past couple of years, I have been making a serious effort to move "beyond myself". I like this new outlook on life, and my perspective has changed a great deal since I began paying more attention to others and learning more in the process. I take the time to make eye-contact with strangers I pass by on the street. I take the time to offer a smile to familiar faces I see at work on a regular basis. I tell the people on the elevator, the pretty lady who empties my trash can at work, and the nice grocery cashiers and baggers to "Have a nice day!", and I actually mean it.

The hubby, kids and I stopped by Publix on the way home. We picked up our frozen pizza and went to check out. As we started unloading the buggy onto the conveyor belt, my eyes were drawn to a big poster in front of one of the aisles not in service at the time. The poster read "RIP Dwanda". I felt my stomach drop a little. We frequent that Publix quite regularly, and I was pretty sure that Dwanda was a Publix employee, and probably someone that I saw all of the time. After we paid for our items and exited out of Publix, I passed by another poster that had funeral service information and a picture of Dwanda. I immediately recognized her face. My eyes stung a little and I just sighed deeply to myself. She was only 40 years old. My hubby and kids were already all the way in the parking lot ready to get in the truck by the time I composed myself enough to run out and join them.

I don't know if I'm feeling especially tender these days, or if I'm just more in tune with people that I see on a regular basis now. You know how when someone young passes away, you can find their name all over the internet, and a guest book to sign for them and everything? I can't find anything about her online. Ever since we got home a few hours ago, I have been saying to myself, "Lord, I really hope that she enjoyed her life." I hope that she smiled a lot, and that there are people thinking of her right now and missing her presence. I hope that her time here on Earth was well spent, and that she got to do most of what she wanted to do while she was here. I will definitely miss her face, and I am so sad to know that I will never get the chance to talk to her again. May you rest in peace, beautiful Dwanda.

Faith in the midst of confusion

I'm sure that I've posted before about my faith in God. Always the optimist, I never cease to believe that good will come out of every situation. As a parent, I have come to realize that no experience in your life good or bad can affect you the as much as anything involving your child. I'm pretty sure that when I'm touting positive messages for people to hear and even to affirm these things to my heart, mind, and spirit, it's because I don't really have a lot to lose in any of these situations. There will always be someone to bail me out emotionally (my hubby), or financially (my parents).

Right now, I am in the middle of dealing with something centered around my son. Please don't be alarmed. His health is great, and we are all doing fine. He loves school, he and his little sister get along great, and continue to be a joy to all of those that they are around. But I am now learning what it's like to REALLY have faith in God. My son is going through a series of exams based on a referral from his pediatrician. Again, this isn't related to his physical health at all. This is all I feel comfortable saying about it in such a public forum at this time, even though only about 2 or 3 people read this.

I feel like I have butterflies in my stomach. Lately, I've been in a state of constantly holding back tears so that I don't have to deal with real possibilities. My son goes in for an exam tomorrow morning at 9am. We have to drive 45 minutes northwest of here for an exam, another hour back to his school, and then 20 minutes to my job. I'm not so much whining about all of the driving, as much as I am pointing out that I'm not going to be in the best state emotionally tomorrow. It's almost 11:30pm right now, and my son and I have to be leaving the house in 8 hours. :-S

So, now it's time for me to put up or shut up. I honestly don't believe that life is just some place for us to congregate for 75 or 80 years and have fun, fun, fun. I believe that we all have a purpose that is revealed to us in due time. And I do believe that God wants to have a relationship with Him, and for us to trust Him and His word. I don't have any problem trusting Him. So why do I feel so scared? I am not terrified for my son at all; I know that he will be fine. But will I? I am so confused sometimes about how to be a good mother to my children. Time is tick, tick, ticking away, and things are starting to be revealed in my children that I believe are a direct reflection on me as a mother.

I'm really worn out. These visits to the doctor with people asking all of these repetitive questions about my son are starting to take their toll. Our lives are already somewhat hectic...adding this log to the fire my just do me in, I don't know.

:SIGH: Hopefully, my post tomorrow will not find me so emotionally weak and exhausted. Good night.

One Year Ago today...

It was Friday, April 20, 2007. I remember sitting in my office thinking about the fact that it was Kaylie's Goddard's 1st birthday. So I called my co-worker Stephen, Kaylie's father, on his office phone and asked him what he and his family were doing for her birthday. He mentioned that they were going up to the hospital later that day to spend time with her as they did everyday. After I hung up with him, I kept mulling over in my mind whether or not I should go up to the hospital to take her a gift. I really wanted to so badly, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I would be intruding on the family's time with her somehow. The following day, I considered dropping by the hospital with my husband and kids to pay Kaylie a visit, but I decided against it at the last minute. I wasn't sure what it was, but something in my heart told me to just let her have that time with her family. So I decided to wait until the following week and go during lunch hour to see her.

I would find out later that day that Kaylie passed away that afternoon. I was a complete emotional wreck. I actually became physically ill over the next couple of weeks. I felt like Kaylie was one of my children, in some small way. On top of that, my heart just ached and ached for Stephen and his wife. It seemed like too much for anyone to have to bear. I longed for God to tell me if there was something that I would be able to do for the family. It was such a horrible thing to experience for everyone that was touched by Kaylie's life and that loves that family.

I can't believe that it has been a year. I'll be praying for the Goddard's even more this week because I'm sure it will be tough for them. Please keep them in your prayers as well.

Previous post: Being There

Beyond Myself

What's with the random, new blog template design? What does "beyond myself" refer to? Both are valid questions.

I'm trying to come up with a nice Spring design that I'm happy with for my blog. So far, I've been completely unsuccessful. I usually only have about 1 hour to myself during the week, and even less than that on the weekends, sadly. Okay, I'm exaggerating about the weekends, but still. The graphic at the top of my blog is one that I found online. It reminds me of my childhood. It reminds me of the area my late aunt Gwen lived in when my sister and I were very young, and would visit her. I really get nostalgic when I think about being at her house as a little child. She used to have a pretty dog named Lassie. She had very nice neighbors...the Landers family. There was a girl my age who my sister and I played with a lot. She was so sweet and very pretty. I ran into her back in the summer of 1994, I believe. Wow, it's amazing where my brain will go when I let it wander with restraints.

Beyond Myself refers to my state of mind right now. Today I had my FILL of selfishness and superficiality. It was a little much. When I look back 3 years, I remember that I wasn't as concerned about my physical appearance as I am now. I've always been extremely vain, but never this overly concerned about my physical appearance. I was a much happier, low-key person then. I just enjoyed my life and appreciated the things that mattered: my husband, my family, my friends, my church family, my service to God. I look back at pictures of me right before and after I had my son, and even right after having my daughter. I look so much happier and my smile looks a lot less forced and "posey". I want to go back to those times. Or maybe it's simply my attitude that needs adjusting. Either way I definitely need to get on a path that takes me away from this overly self-involved person I've become over the past three years.

Please forgive the quickly thrown together blog template design. Maybe the next time I get a week off from work, I'll have some play time to put together a really nice web design. I know, not likely, huh?

Anjelah Johnson: Racist or Not?

Bumping this up, since I received a comment from a fellow blogger this afternoon. Blogger Ashleigh mentioned a video Anjelah is in called "Bon Qui Qui". I went to Youtube to check it out. HILARIOUS! I didn't even realize that she was on Mad TV. She has really come up! See below:




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Orignally posted on 1/31/07

Anjelah Johnson is a Latino up-and-coming stand-up comedian and actress. I found a Youtube clip on the blog TheThink with Anjelah doing a routine about a visit to the Nail Salon. In this 4 1/2 minute clip, she does a very good imitation of the Vietnamese women that work in these salons with a pretty good Vietnamese accent to boot.

I should note that blogger Angry Asian Man made a good point in that he's not a fan of non-Asians doing comedy that mocks Asians. I feel him on that one. If Anjelah were doing a routine where she was mocking Vietnamese in general , I would have a major problem with that. In fact, you may remember that I was very hard on Rosie O'Donnell for offending Chinese on "The View", and it would be hypocritical of me to give someone else a pass for doing the same thing. In Rosie's case, she mimicked the way all Chinese people in-general would sound if one of their networks ran a story about Danny DeVito. She used nonsensical mutterings such as "Ching Chong Chonk" that don't form real words in Chinese. That was very offensive to Chinese as a group. However, in Anjelah's case, she is recounting a specific experience in a nail salon. The humor is based on the dialogue she has had with women that work in nail salons, not a mockery of Asians in general. Angry Asian Man also points out that he has received lots of email on the subject of Anjelah's video clip from Vietnamese. 50% of the email has been pro-Anjelah, and the other 50% has referred to her as a racist! Such is life.

This clip will most likely be funniest to those who have ever visited a nail salon. I live at Nail, Talk, & Tan in midtown, so this was right up my alley! She was 100% accurate and her timing is impeccable. See for yourselves and make your own decision.

"Clause" and Effect

I bumped this post up just to reflect for a moment. Life certainly comes at you fast whether you're ready or not. This post was originally written on November 11 at 9:58 am. So many things were different. I was still grieving over the loss of my dog Sheba. I was worried sick about my grandmother in the hospital, and worried just as much over my mother who I could tell was suffering a great deal emotionally.

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Original Date of Post: 11/11/07 - 9:58 AM

Life has certainly been interesting over the past month or so. This morning, I woke up feeling under the weather. My daughter and I are both sneezing all over the place. My hubby went on to church without us, as it seems to have been the case over the past few weeks.

My grandmother is on day 17 in the hospital. At this point, her breathing seems to be under control, but she is completely miserable. They inserted a feeding tube inside of her because she wasn't eating anything. On top of the effects of the emphysema, she is also suffering due to nicotine withdrawal (anxiety, lack of appetite, etc...) She spends a lot of time moaning, which is difficult for everyone around her who loves her to see. Still no word at all on how much longer she'll be hospitalized, or what needs to happen so that she will be ready to return home. My mom has been living in the ICC waiting room at Emory Hospital this whole time. She only goes home once per week to wash clothes and grab a few more things to bring back to the hospital. I think that this is due to the fact that my grandmother gets extremely anxious any second that my mom is not in the room with her. Such a difficult situation.

In some ways I'm still dealing with the fact that Sheba is gone. It sneaks up on me from time to time. I always saved the bones from chicken wings for her, since she loved crunching them. So now, if I'm eating wings, for example, it's like remembering all over again that she's not coming back when I realize don't need to save the bones. You know what I mean? I long to feel her fur on the side of my face while she snuggles with me. I really, really miss her. Still not sure about a new puppy yet...hard to think about in too much detail thus far.

My hubby and I were talking the other day about how short this life is. I really treasure spending time with him. It got me thinking about the people, places and things that I love so much. Getting some free time with my husband; spending a weekend afternoon with my sister; going to Disney World with the family; sitting out in the CNN atrium eating lunch and gabbing with my co-workers; going to the movies/having lunch with my friend Chrissy; going to Golden Corral with the hubby and kids on Saturday afternoon; going to Camp Greenville with the students at Mount Paran; having long phone conversations with my mom;

Really?

If you're a parent (especially a mom) you can probably appreciate this quick story. Our house was a complete and utter disaster over the past week and a half. I woke up with a vengeance on Saturday morning eager to get the house back in order. I actually got up at 6:30am to wash dishes. Yes, our dishwasher conked out on us about 3 weeks ago. The same day my cheap-a** Ford Explorer also started giving me problems and my family and I had to carpool all over metro-Atlanta for 3 hour daily commutes.

We decided this weekend to completely wean my daughter off of pull-ups. She'll be 3 years old in June, and she already knows how to potty. I refuse to keep paying $17 every couple of weeks for her to wear just in case she has an accident. Not when gas is $4 per friggin' gallon. But of course, my daughter decided yesterday to keep doing a #2 in her underwear. Of course she NEVER does this when we have pull-ups on her on the weekends as we usually do. So this behavior is the opposite of most kids. Usually, the fact that they are wearing non-absorbent underwear prevents them from "pottying" on themselves. Not my daughter...she's always got to be a challenge. :-) She pooped in 3 sets of underwear yesterday, I believe, and I kept having to take her to the bathroom, wash her off, give her clean underwear to wear, and new pants to put on. One pair of poopie undies she actually placed in the dirty clothes hamper in our washing area without my knowledge. So when I'm going to town washing clothes and getting things clean, I don't even notice that I'm loading a pair of underwear FULL of poop in the friggin' washing machine.

So when I go to unload the washing machine, I notice that the clothes smell HORRIBLE! What the heck?! It occurs to me later that my daughter must have got her poopie undies in the load. Shoot. So I reload the clothes, and restart them in another load with extra washing detergent. An hour later, I go to unload them again expecting to smell nice fresh clothes. They smell even worse this time!!! What the heck??!! I start picking through the entire load this time to figure out what the heck is going on. I figure it out in my head before I actually eyeball the reason right in front of me. The poop wasn't washed from the underwear in the first load. In a nutshell, I just washed poop into ALL of mine, my hubby's, and the kids' nice clothes. Washed poop INTO the clothes?? Come on!! Life is busy and tiring enough...who has time to wash a load of clothes 3 times? I completely lost an entire day of washing due to this incident.

As I was in the middle of typing this post, my daughter ran into my room and said, "Mommy, I pooped on the potty!!" I ran into the bathroom and she pointed proudly into the toilet to display her feat. I gave her a high-five and a big kiss on the cheek! Those kids know how to turn things around and turn Mommy's scowl into a happy smile!! :-)

Chrisondra Kimble and Del Mattox

Today marks one year since the brutal killings of two precious young people. Two precious cousins of mine that I never got the pleasure to meet. Chrisondra "Sierra" Kimble and Delarlonva Mattox departed this life on April 5, 2007. I find myself thinking of them on a regular basis. I think about Sierra's mom "Buttons", and Dell's father, who he was named after. I am thinking about their beloved Aunt Vivian who I saw at my Grandmother's funeral a few months ago, and who is still in a grief-stricken state. How can they cope with something so horrible? I am speaking the Lord's prayers and comfort over them.

Last year was just a horrible year. Back in January I spoke about moving forward, and about how "2008 would be GREAT" but right now, it just hurts thinking about these two babies. I know that the Lord understands grief more than any of us here on Earth. He never promised us that we wouldn't experience the pain of loss, but He has always promised to be with us through it all. I know that He has been here. Thank you Lord for reminding me to trust you. Please bless all of the precious families who have spent the past year grieving their babies, spouses, parents, siblings, best friends, etc...

Family Tragedy (originally posted May 1, 2007)

I Haven't Forgotten You (originally posted August 14, 2007)


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